Let Me Entertain You

I like entertaining people. I like to cut my life into pieces and sell them up in order to see people have a laugh. I don't exaggerate my pieces because wouldn't like to lie. I like mixing drinks on my expense and get them wasted. I pick your mood and taste and hopefully I am handing you the right drink. I do this all because I am self centred, self loving, attention seeking, selfish arty pants.

 

People who like to burst into "Story of My Days" in places like pubs and social events are attention whores. I know this, because I exactly am one of them. They tell you funny stories (often blown up to make itself sound more interesting) and say,

"Me being such an arse I did this stupid episode on such and such."

in a hope of entertaining people, as well as for people to counter-praise you, such as,

"Oh, no, you are not an arse and that was very thoughtful of you for doing that."

etc. etc. Basically begging for compliment.

 

I don't do just that, but I do know all this because I use this tactics to feel OKay about myself. I lower myself in my stories and that's how I put up my protective shields around me. Yes I am useless and stupid, am not worthy of your attacks. And also, I do this because I am a creator and creators are whores of some kind.

 

I never like bragging. I did it once, because I did something great and I fucking deserved a nice comment from everyone around me, and my friend told me to stop showing off. Can I not be proud once in 19 yrs? Apparently not.

 

I do indeed like to see people around me having good time on my account. I feel slightly useful and less hated. That's lovely. People don't need hero stories and Samaritan stories which are coming from friends and acquaintances, because people don't really need any story from other people to begin with. I know this because I know people always give benefit of doubt to stories they hear first handedly. It's just wise to do so and is much needed fact of surviving.

 

I sometime hate me for lowering myself in the circle I am in. I sometime feel comfortably invisible. I mostly want to be invisible and numb, till I get absolutely bored and start getting out howling and jamming my horns down into some deep shit like real life stuff. Bad cycle of life, real bad. Guess am bored now. Where is my entertainment?

Attention Shoppers

I went to see footy in a pub in, of all places, London. It was that fatal match when England lost. OK, I won't sing the Harold Shipman song coz I still want to live.

Went there with bunch of work people and it was fun. At the end of the day it doesn't bother me who wins or loses. The last sports  match I really felt being a part was the sports fest from my 4th grade. Sports are exciting and fun, but not worth crying for. For once I would love to see a guy gets as serious with his girl as he does with football.

Anyway, so I went to Leicester Sq. and sat down with bunch of dykes and exchange students and all that. I felt like a Victorian woman appears in one of Agatha Christie novels who is spending a day of shopping in London, before heading back home on train from Paddington and witnesses a murder. In fact, that is how I feel everytime I go to centre to meet up with some people.

After the game I walked to a station with one guy. He was not native Londoner and was dressed nicely. Typical lads enjoying the life in London. He was telling me about his life before London, his ambition for career, and continued,
"But I just wanted to come to London."
Oh, man, oh, dear. Who actually says THAT? You just wanted to come to London? Are you serious?? Are you, like, ten? To you, your life goal is THIS?

People in London act cool. How could people not get tired of it. It's a tough job dressing impeccably 24-7. Not buying any food only makes sense there because people are all thin and you need a lot of money anyway to have all these fashionable gadgets and tickets for shows. It is so much work learning all the trend and ins and outs, wide variety of knowledge in politics and art and science, I can NEVER do it. I mean, I know what native Londoners are like, and they certainly don't do these, eh.

I don't like the idea of living in city. City is dodgy and expensive, and people are so unkind or sneaky. I mean, if you can survive the harsh reality of city life and then the one's life must be very fructuous, but I know I can't even make through a week. Beside, I never agreed to people who think coming to live in capital cities is the best thing you can do in your life. (You can do whatever you want, and be whatever you want to be, wherever you are, provided that you work hard and are determined.) Aside from the people who are just visiting, I never found anything in common with whom so desperately clinging onto their life in city, not because there are lots of things happening there for them but just because they want to be there.

Yeah, N.Y. is cool, but the fact of wanting to come and live there screams that you are from "real" country. Yeah, LA is amazing, but I don't want to starve myself and constantly hate myself just so I can buy a cup of coffee. Well, I guess London is really fun when you know your way around, but with the rent money you pay in a year for that scrappy flat you can buy a farm house and settle down by a riverside. There is nothing wrong about coming to stay in city for a few years, and HEAD BACK to your home town. Experiences are treasure in your life, as long as they wouldn't drag shame and regrets like tails around them.

I am just a shopper in London, and will never find a beauty of everyday life in city. I rather keep it that way and enjoy the bits of the city time to time than get soaked in it. I don't get people who wants to come to city and tell me that I am missing out. I just know what I like and I don't. I don't let people tell me what I like.

 

Oh, and, hell yes I hate Star Bucks. Invasion of the 52nd state.

Cars, the Most, Best and Worst

I think cars have personalities, if not of their drivers. Whenever I come across some car which does certain things, it's always the same car. It is either people who buy such and such cars are similar sort of drivers, or people who drives such and such cars end up being like each other. I want to believe in latter, just like all the people who have poodles end up having poodle hair, and all the people who have Staffy end up looking real trailer-parky.

The most aggressive cars of all;Subaru Impreza

They seem to enjoy showing off their spinning more than anything because they always take over anyone, but never stay ahead of us for long. They go SO fast for 15 sec and run in front of us for another 15, until Merc and BMW steadily build their speed and go forever faster. (Even I go faster after about 50 sec.)

The least skilled cars
Rover 45 and 75 series.
They look like Jags. They actually look like a Great Jaguar when they are passing you. The only differences are, they don't seem to switch lanes well, and they are obviously not used to any road they are on. They are inappropriately slow, they seem to take eternity to speed up to NSP, they stay on wrong lanes,  and they don't take corners well. Jags can cope with ANY roads and look super on them. Rovers probably won't look that bad if they don't look at all like them big cats.

The most unpredictable carsVW Passat and Renaut Laguna.

Personally, I just never want to drive around them, ever. They ALWAYS do weird and freakishly scary things whenever I am behind them doing 70mph on motorways. They act out the exact thing you are thinking like a bad fantacy which you never wish for it to come to the reality,

"OK, so it is quite a steep and long curve so we all better slow down and try not to go over lanes,"
and that's exactly the moment they jump in front of you without indicating. What the heck wrong with them, really?

The super cars, which are just so good you just got to admire them on road.CitroE Xsara Picasso

Oh, my lord, how come you look so dorky and then turn out to be driving SO beautifully. I can NEVER keep up with you. You are SO precise and accurate, fast and swift to the maximum of adequacy. Oh, lord, won't you get me one of their skills.

 

They are lots of overall good cars, like, any 4WD, I NEVER seen them drive badly. I actually never seem them, not even once, with a scratch or dent on them. I thought Vitaras were some poncey cars, but if they can drive that well then they are more like G.I. Joes than John Frieda.

And I generally dislike station wagons. I particularly dislike Peugeot ones. Just a personal experience and opinion. Oh, and off course everyone hates white / blue commercial vans. They should all fall into a sea off a cliff than harassing small hearted people like us on motorways.

 

Well, your opinions are welcome. R and O. 

Come On Out, Wherever You Are

I think I am working with a closet case. That's fine and dandy, one can choose to be in or out, especially in an environment like a work place. What hurts me is that he is "in" with me after me going on and on about me supporting all the gay rights.

 

Years back there was a time when it is not so common to come out, and coming out was a gigantic deal to anyone. You come out only once and you didn't retrieve it, or went back in again. But, because it was a big deal it was exactly the time people wanted everyone to come out. Probably we were trying to make a team effort or something.

 

Then I met T-Ree, who told me strongly that coming-out is not always a good thing to everyone, and it can be an act of selfishness. He then said he would never dream of telling his family because it would crush them badly.

 

Ever since then my opinion of coming out has become quite flexible. You don't do it because it is  a COOL thing to do, and it IS a personal thing to do, and it SHOULD be done with one's own decision.

 

I have always been a fag-hag wannabe. ALWAYS. Am, in one way or more, more of a gay man than many newbies, and am proud of it. Being a part of the society and knowing about it was the first thing I felt natural doing it. I wanted to be born a man, and I still wish I can dress in men's clothes and look good than looking like this. I am your next door gay neighbour you don't get turned on.

 

And gay men hate me for exactly that, or, at least, pay no attention for what I am. Even when I practically say to their face that I majored in gay culture and am there if they need to know the name of the dancer in a 1956 musical film, they seem to take no interest.

 

THIS one closet case ACTUALLY denied that he is gay when I asked him casually, and very indirectly. He then went on criticizing my taste in musicals by quoting what sounded like some bitchy queens. That felt to me like he is dropping King-Cong size hints to annoy me. (His hair look's like Jack McFarland's, he has a cat, he knows all the designer names, he didn't even pause when I said "I like Ian McKee because I kinda collect gay films," he says "spunk", and he took an afternoon off to attend the premier of West End version of Evita.) Fine, fine, so you hate me for my high school sociology paper. So you hate me for my photo projects upon World AIDS Day. You hate me, you really, really hate me.

 

Don't like offending people. But, like I appreciate your choice of life style, it would be nice if you could accept this as mine. We don't even have to interact.

When You Really Like Something

You will like that something for a very long time.

I remember the time I saw Mark Lamarr after 3 long years of not remembering his existence, I was stricken by a lightning, or so it felt very much like. He was on TV, doing Radio2 commercial, WITHOUT the quiff, looking absolutely different, and still took my breath away.
"WHO IS that guy on telly???!!!"
I screamed like I never did for a man in my entire life.

It was somewhat like that with Presidents of the USA. It was like that with D. It was like that with Rimmer. It was like that with you know who.

And, yes, it was definitely like that with RENT.

T-Ree first introduced me to Rent back in '98, I think it was. He told me how amazing it is, trying to describe the story by saying,

"Well, it is about rent."

and went on saying it is based on La Boheme. I distinctly remember thinking how many people do know the story of La Boheme. Two years later I was telling some friend how great Rent is by saying,

"Well, it is based on La Boheme."

Anyway, took me lot more convincing to actually go and see the show. And I finally did it with my folks. (That's how much I wasn't aware of the actual story line.) Half way through the show I fell asleep because I was exhausted from my folks' nagging all that day along.

I think I fell asleep at the Tango scene. I can't remember when I got up, but I do remember that I began crying and couldn't stop.

Rent is cheesy. Rent is slightly out-dated. And Rent is super fab.

I went to see the show again in London, and it was the first and last time I went to see the same show more than once. Mark was played by Joseph McFadden. He was fantastic, and so was everyone else.

I went all the way to N.Y. to see the show. Angel was played by Andy Senor, whom I once saw in London. He was pimping himself out (he posed with you for a photo-op if you paid handsomely) to get donations for a good cause.

I went to see the show again in Baltimore. I remember one guy walking out saying how stupid and terrible that two dykes kissing and a boy dressing in drag.

Rent was finally made into a movie. It took years for it to actually finish the production. During which time the scripts were leaked and directors were changed.

I was waiting and waiting, and heaven knows how many times I listened to the CDs. Rent was the only one of the few things I stood up for when other people showed obvious disagreement with. Numerous people scoffed at me and switched off the CD player. Well, it's your loss, baby.

So, the time has finally came for Rent the Movie. I drove to Riverside and sat down in a small cinema. I had to sit through the god awful Sin City before Rent started. And 5 minutes into Rent a guy stood and left. Just normale.

OK, there were a few things I didn't like in the movie. There were undeniably better bits in movie to the musical. I mouthed along the entire movie. I LOVED it. They did a good job. It was full of love and was for love of Rent. Good sound track. Good scenery setting. Good use of props. I thank the production team for giving me this movie.

I was saying it before thinking how corny it is, and I am saying it again.

The opposite of War is not Peace, it's Creation.

Act Up, Fight Aids.

10 Things I hate About My Job

1. People there are weird.

2. People there are weird.

3. People there all have iPod.

4. People there speak funny language.

5. People there have no life but have sex.

6. People there have dodgy and dark backgrounds you are not supposed to poke.

7. There are not enough people there.

8. There is nowhere to eat around apart from a chippy.

9. I have to have my lunch alone.

10. I have to go through Bracknell to get there.

999 Now

And now it's the 1000 th hit!!!

Great journey it was. Hope to go on. Thanks to everyone who visited.