In Dreams

I have been having the most obvious dreams lately, where I was either being yelled at by my bosses, or, trying to get to a date, on a promise, and never make it.

 

I have been terrified of all my bosses, (I am the lowest in the company, so every other person, all 5 of them are my bosses,) and it's natural and so straight forward to be having these dreams.

 

I have always been a victim of rejection and self-pity, so it is rather text book of me to have this sort of dreams; inadequacy.

 

I don't tend to have Salvador Dali's world of dreams. I used to have sandy dreams where everything has texture of sand like things, which gave me goose bumps, but that had stopped ages ago.

 

Then, the other day, I was having a dream that was so real and I was convinced that I was not dreaming. Then I see a cat or dog (cannot remember now) passing by me in a great sun light of early summer, and it caught my attention that it had one leg amputated. But it was walking as if there are 4 legs.

 

Then I bumped into a friend who chose not to communicate with me no longer. He was telling me how his brother left the country to work in a coffee farm in Brazil, and it was making the entire family rather sad. I remembered how much I loved this guy (in reality I so did not) and wanted to hug his sorry shoulder so much but couldn't because I was so afraid that he is going to turn around and tell me how I do not deserve to be his mate.

 

At this point I woke up and realized that it was all dream, and I am late for work, and felt quite puzzled. What does this mean, really? A legless cat or dog, and a guy who refused to acknowledge my existence for some unclear reason? What are these things representing?

 

I have just decided that I was tired and went back to sleep. I then dreamt of my boss and some date.

 

I need a break and a change of scene.

RENT ... Revisited

So, tonight was the opening of London RENT. (Well, according to my boss who thinks who knows all the world of musicals because he is dating a musical producer, it is just a first night of previews. Who cares, it is in fact the first night of its returning to London after it closed its curtain in 2003.) It was supposed to be happening last night but I got a call on my mob around noon, informing that the technical difficulties forced to postpone the shows' opening.

I knew that some day some body will open the big mouth and says,
"Look around, this is no longer at the end of the millennium, and having Latino drag queen in the show is just a stereo typing and a bad publicity."

And, sure enough, RENT is over 10 yrs old, and it can look dated. However, it was never meant to be a classic, and looking timeless was never in the producers' consideration. But it did become classic, and many of us love the show as it was intended. It is not just because Jonathan Larson died and we wanted to have it preserved in his honour.

But, well, because RENT never did massively well in London, they had to give some botox injection to it, like they do shamelessly with CHICAGO. They had to jazz it up, and slut it down.

It was all rather bad from the beginning. I purchased a ticket which included a two course dinner, for £20. And the dinner costs £16 before tax. So, the show ticket was pretty much a give-away.

Then, when I got the theatre there was a guy in front of me at the box office, saying that he only bought one tickets but being handed two instead. He said he doesn't need this but walked away with it anyway. Then the box office says the same to me. Now 1 two course dinner and 2 theatre tickets cost £20. Insane. Why, are they so desperate to give away tickets? It doesn't sound promising.

Show itself was rather disorganised. One cast started with a wrong que, and one forgot a line, one repeated a line. Upper circle audiences had hard time seeing some bits of the show.

They have changed the order of the story and songs completely, and scene settings were so hard to follow. Half of the cast could not sing well so it was hard to hear what they were saying.

Casts were so wrong, too. First of all, Mark was actually very good looking, and hunky. He looked very pumped up with juice. And he was BRITISH!! (Why? Couldn't he hack the American accent, or they thought it would be more convincing for him to speak that way to be Jewish boy from Scarsdale?) And Mimi was NOT Latina and she could hardly sing. And Angel was macho, and bold.

They changed characters so much, that Mark was now creepy, no longer a loveable loser with hidden talent. Angel was undecidedly uncute and was a forcible flirt. I had this urge to figure him out rather than watching him dance around like a Soho go-go boy. He might as well had just a thong on rather than trying to squeeze in 6 inch heels and a skirt. Maureen was not at all sweet but very much of a madam. Mimi lost all the fun factor and looked like a heroine addict from the first moment. (I don't think she has smiled, not even once.)

Maureen was acted by buxom Denise Van Outen, and she really was fabulous, stealing the show completely. But, then again, Maureen is a character that has to be reinvented by actresses every time.  Roger by Luke Evans was unrealistically good, too. He did not look like Roger, but, god, that voice! Not so special to carry lines, but so sensitively crafty when singing. I could just listen to him sing all night.

I know that show is in development and might turn for better. But, as self claimed RENT-head, I must say this show is a disaster, and not even a good experiment. RENT cannot work in this digital era, full of pretension and genericism.

Entire life flashing in front of the eyes...

So, this guy walks in to the pub, and I noticed that he was the guy I used to know in college, whom I have spoken with for total of 2 hrs 5 yrs ago, whose telephone number I did not have, despite the fact everyone had everyone's number in that place.

 

All I recalled up until then was his face and name. I had no interest in him, or his circle of friends, and I was rather happy not knowing him.

 

So this guy walks in, with a girl, and within 3 minutes I just remembered EVERYTING.

 

I remembered where he had his flat.

 

I remembered that he had a family history of diabetes.

 

I remembered that he had a Norwich terrier stolen when he was little.

 

I remembered that everyone at college was talking about his cuts.

 

I remembered that I have never seem him smile.

 

I remembered that he left college before I did.

 

These must have been all the information I have had about him, and I seemed to have recalled them all within 3 minutes.

 

 

Today, an old friend of mine rang the bell and woke me up from the bed of cold. I have not seen this guy for, again, 5 yrs, and I've only known him for about 2 days and 3 nights. He and his friends used to come to my place for free booze.

 

Again, I remembered everything within about 5 minutes. About his family, his sisters, his driving lessons, his friend throwing up in my bathroom, the whole lot.

 

I even remembered the song we all used to sing, "American Woman" after his incidence with an American, whom we all used to avoid for her "quality".

 

American woman, stay away from me
American woman, mama let me be
Don't come hangin' around my door
I don't wanna see your face no more
I got more important things to do
Than spend my time growin' old with you
Now woman, I said stay away,
American woman, listen what I say.

 

5 yrs ago, I had no interest in anyone. In fact, I did my utmost to pay no attention whatsoever to anyone. I was so afraid of getting to know people who will eventually leave me. I was so afraid of hurting people by showing any of my interest in them. And I have succeeded to such an extent I hardly knew anything about anybody in college. And they have all left and I never expected anyone back in my life.

 

Funny how I remembered the things even I didn't know I knew to begin with. Funny how it took only minutes to have them all back flooding to my brain when I can't even remember what I had for dinner last night. Isn't that what happen to old people, is not it the sign of senile, am I heading towards the end?

 

Oh, well, I had this feeling 7 yrs ago, maybe it's a cycle thing.

Luxury of Life

My idea of being well-off is to be able to buy Pantene conditioner every time I need it, instead of mixing them up with Boots Detangle Blue (priced 70p), which is still very, very good but is still a cheap alternative.

I would feel safe and sound if I was able to go to the hairdresser every 10 months, instead of every 15 months, and not forcing myself to live on 7p noodle for next 2 weeks to meet end's need.

It would be rather spoiled of me if I was able to afford a single meal at KFC instead of a family bucket that to be frozen in order to be consumed during the period of next 5 months.

My idea of well-off is NOT £4.10 glass of Merlot, served in a wine glass with some lip-stick on, while munching £3.60 a teacup full of chips served with individual sachets of Heinz ketchup. That is pretty unnecessary and is not my idea of having it in a good way.

I probably am distant to live a life with no silver spoon in my mouth. That's probably why I always hang with people who always make me their mug.

’cause I care

I once wrote in my CV,
"Customer care is my passion,"
and felt so corny writing it. Well, it was actually stating the obvious, and that I never was at ease admitting it; customer care IS my passion.

I slam the phone, bang the keyboard, and yell at the supplier, which all make my work people uncomfortable, I was even told that I am "off" because I do these things. Well, let me tell ya, I am appearing to be annoyed, because I am and you should easily see from this how dedicated I am to these stupid customers who are too lazy to call their phone company themselves.

In fact, I am so emotional when it comes to work and other people, because I am so fuckin' dedicated to each and every one of you. I fuckin' care. (Look how mad you just made me.)

If I don't give a toss about any sod I will be lot calmer and lot happier, at least in appearance. I am only annoyed and mad and pulling my hair out because I care for you. I wish I were like certain you, who just go on about each day, saying,
"It's only work."

It's only work, it's only friend, it's only another fling. I wish I never cared.

My Suckee

As I stand in the kitchen, making up ketchup ramekins with teaspoons stuck in for each table, I hear a voice. It's from Radio2, and I never listen to Radio2. I stand still and listen up, and think that I am paranoia. It cannot be him. How many times do I do this in my life time, totally stunned by ghost of him just because he is so fabulous?

I wrote about this before, how he took my breath away in a first sight after 3 long years of absence. God, I love this guy.

I wonder what it is about him, apart from the face I think is the most mouth-wateringly delicious, and that accent which is so common I can just inhale in every second of my life without having any irritation. How could someone just strike me with a lightning with just showing his face up for a second, or ranting with Jo Brand and still made me come to a complete halt, before I can even start to think it was him.

It is a good thing that I am naff (not dull, but naff) and not looking. Otherwise I would be stalking Mark with all my spare time till he asks for restraining order then I have to quit my job and stalk him at unexpected times.

I am a sucker for Mark and I wold do ANYTHING for this guy just because he stuns me like very first creme buree stunned me. Dreamy, indeed.

Poison, Egoist and Night Flight

This is 2nd of September. 2nd!! Why am I swamped with perfume commercials while watching Frasier weekend??? I refuse, yet again, to be suffocated with smell of festivity while still nauseated in the fume of recently forgotten summer sun.

Perfume ads should be banned, they are potentially murderous.