This is How it is

This year has been a very interesting one. I am writing this now because the situation has been touch and go, and I really wouldn't want the whole thing to turn worse in next 10 days or so. I want the situation to come to a halt, if not becoming better.

Things are far from peaceful. It is like this; non-stop struggle, tear, blood and sweat for days on end, and then a hint of ecstatic joy. Not a good mixture on an impending schizo. Very confusing time. It is like getting showered with bad news of credit crunch, then realize that is only bringing down your mortgage payment.

 

This year has been all about self-hating, as a result of betrayal. I feel rotten, and so small, and all of my attempts to ease the problem, for myself and for others around me, have backfired and hurt me seriously, hence made myself unbearable to the others. 2 people came into my life, took insurmountable amount of things away from me this year. One took so much money, trust, and love from me, and the other took my time, care and what was left of my dignity. Now I feel like a new person. I have now lost all that I had on me like layers of padding, being left barebuttnaked.

 

I now am so afraid that if I go anywhere near any other human being, it will have some distinctive affect on all parties involved, in a hideously negative way. Thus, naturally, am retreating. I feel that something has ended.

 

Now, that sounds all negative and dull, but it had to be done because this is the only thing I can do to get to you, and you know who you are. You deserve nothing but a criminal charge against you. I know you don't give a damn, and that's fine. I know it will all get back to bite your arse. I am only doing this so you won't be able to glamorise the whole affair for your enjoyment.

 

There are so many things happening, even though I am not moving a nudge. There is a sense of change. If an era ended, I guess another is coming this way, and that's probably why I am hoping for a pause, because the new beginning is a scary thing. I am beginning, somewhat unwillingly, to set off to something which looking to me right now like a vast white ocean, essentially on my own. Cheers.

Let Us Eat Pie

There was a rugby match on. They are going to get trashed and customers were not happy. It's too noisy and I had no place to park with my sarny. Paul's watching the game and I couldn't be bothered to bug him while fat boys yell at lumpy players in white and red uniforms.

 

Shall I just chug a lager in the corner while munching prawn mayo on brown? I stood in the bar and frowned. Was it a 1 wonderful idea to do that before driving back to home? I was sure Paul would find that a liability. Um, not that I cared about that.

 

It was a funny day. More than half of people ordered steak and ale pies, one of which gave me a French lesson, then so many people had Banoffee pies for the afters. It was not that cold, that day, but you could smell the winter in the air. I bet all of these people got up in the morning and felt like brisk walks in woods, before coming to us for hearty pies and tooth melting banana pies. If it wasn't for the free sarny, I would have done the same.

 

No, actually, no, I still would. Why don't I just stuff my face with cream and banana, to sooth weeping soul of mine. I turned to my boss and said,

"Hey, boss, would you give me a giant cup of tea, if I buy your famous Banoffee pie?"

He replied,

"Hey, why don't you work for a bit longer and I will buy you the pie. In that way I get to watch Chelsea play"

 

Deal. Done and sealed. I mentally shook his hand and stayed for 30 min.

 

Rugby viewers were getting quiet. Well, RSA was good. Even I knew that. And boss was long gone. I guess Chelsea was kicking some arse to lose Liverpool for good.

 

In the end I sat down with a piece of pie filled with browned condensed milk and cream with some bananas, and was weeping from the eyes with joy. The pie was SO sweet and nevertheless mind numbing, my soul was now laughing.

 

Paul snuck up on me and stood by me, looking smilingly at my ecstatic face, and muttered something about the match. Then said,

"So, you had a row with your mother?"

"Ohh, yessir, I hate my mum."

"Oh no, you don't."

 

Thus it went. Anyway. It was nice of him. It was a lovely afternoon over all. What a difference a pie and a pal make. Thank ya all.

No!!

I can't go on, I had enough, this shouldn't be the way, I just want to forget everything, just want to go away, why am I ill and why should I be penalized for it, am having a worst month of this year and it's tough and who fuck cares its already tomorrow, fuck my boss, fuck the economy, fuck the lottery and fuck my flatmate, fuck my ex, fuck. Just fuck off.

Yes!!

"Don't you ever get tired of bitching about that work you hate so much? Why don't you just quit your job and get a new one if you are that unhappy?"

Well, my mum did not raise me to be a quitter, but did raise me a moaner. I can complain but I won't quit. Quitters are worse than losers. I can continue to be a loser but will not quit being a loser.

But, hey, maybe, just maybe, that IS the answer. Maybe I should just quit. I HATE my job. I hate my life while working that job. I HATE my bosses and everyone around them, and I HATE the fact they all hate me and that I am making them do that.

YES! I am moving. I am going to the states. Sorry, US, you have to take this scum of puss of inhumanbeing because UK had enough of it. YES, I am coming, it's decided!!

Deny Me and Be Doomed

So I sat my friend down, basically told him that it is not his business to say whether I am closed up or not. It is absolutely none of his business to tell me to get out and get laid, when I am saying that I don't want to.

I added to say that I have a right to remain boarded up after everything I went through, hoping for him to have full knowledge of my history and episodes. At this point he chose to tell me that my shit is nothing worse than anybody else's, and since everybody else moves on (to get laid) instead of stalling and mope, I should be doing so, too.

Ohh, OK. You went to the place you should never have. You just said my mental break downs and years of malfunctioning is just me over-reacting. You have just defended all my exes (of all-sorts) and told me to move on like a normal human-being. You have disregarded half of my life in 3 seconds.

"I cannot believe you just said that, you are supposed to be my good friend!! How could you say that I didn't go through enough shitty situations to be like this?"

I yelped.

"That's not what I said. Why do you always focus on negatives?"

He protested. I don't care any more. The damage is done. You went too far.

This is exactly why I don't have a friend. This is EXACTLY why I am alone. Go on, deny me, entertain me, be doomed. Just do it.

Well, Here is the Thing...

So my friend is trying to hook me up with the electrician who comes around to our place to fix things now and then. The electrician guy is really nice (personality-wise, not rear section-wise, according to my friend,) but is 14 years my senior, has 3 kids and divorced, then went in and came out of long term relationships. This is what I call the "bad on paper" type. My friend is really pushing me towards this guy, and although I am thankful for the attention (D is single, she is a nice person and deserves a really nice guy!) I have to stop and wonder if this is all flattering that my good friend is picking THIS guy, while really hoping for us to happen.

 

So, yeah, electricians make good money,

and apparently he is looking,

and he is dead nice.

 

I have to stop and wonder if I am being a stuck up here. And I have to think if my friend is just simple, and gullible, to determine his niceness after knowing him for 45 minutes. Should I be grateful for this??? Why can I not have someone who is not second or third hand? Why is THIS guy supposed to be the very best, so much so my good friend could barely contain the excitement when "we" are on the subject???

 

Kinda pissed here.

Over

So our pub has finally joined the rest of 34 pubs a week closures in the UK. It was a tiny part of English history. We are losing pubs, and government and NHS would put other things before this tradition of the country. Well, that's fine, I guess that's healthy.

 

We are down to almost nothing in the end. The pub was sold to the Asian folks who would take it over and change it to a posh curry house. They did not want to take stocks over, so basically everything had to go. Fosters 2 quid, no bitter, no diet Pepsi, quid a shot if we have it.

 

Everyone said, "Oh that is a shame," what else would anyone say? People just stayed for hours like a lingering odour. What else do you want to do in a lazy Sunday afternoon in a pub that's closing down forever in a few hours?

 

Girls were exchanging phone numbers. I got a few, too. And some more from customers (sorry but I will never call you.) Girls were making promises to keep in touch, I am well aware they will never been met. I hugged a couple of them good bye, because I liked them well enough, even though I was fairly sure that one of them was hitting on me.

 

Daughter of the owner and her friends came, ate ice cream, had some wines, and eventually left. It really was getting to be over.

 

I sat down with the owner, with a glass of red, in a semi darkness, I was crying because I was grateful to be there at that moment. It is a shame, and we must move on, and I will remember that moment fondly, because it was part of us, that was on the way out, complete out.

 

Good bye FOX. Thanks for everything.