Chaos and How to Put it Under Control

My recent entries are so scatty and boring, I feel bad for whoever had to stop and skim through them. My outburst when facing chaotic situations is quite strong, I've known to react badly to certain things, however the affect is apparent only for a short while.

It is my life passion to learn how not to panic when facing all those unpleasant things. I was told the best way to know that there are other who suffer worse, and I believed that's the answer for years, but, well, that isn't it, clearly?

Telling someone to stop whining about such trivial matters because there are real problems happening to so many people in the world is easy  but is never practical. Yes, my problems are REALLY petty and stupid, but my suffering is real. Not just mine, anyone's any problem is real. And we all have to get over them, somehow.

That's what I've been trying to write here. Not about my problem, but how my problem affected me and how I am getting over it.

Well, so my latest attempt for putting things back to control is, to be honest with myself and talk it out (with myself or someone else.) Just stop lying to myself. Kinda worked.

zzzzz...

Contact is Being Made

...and this morning I have to spot his car on my way to work. "He" as in the guy who has gotten rid of me 9 months ago. I saw him where it was not his usual route, and I panicked, and (Ohhhh nooooo) texted him.

I don't know why I get like this. I know very well in my head that the past is past and life goes on and I should not look back, but my heart worships stuff like "grudge", "memory triggered feelings", "self pity (AKA Scorpion's staple food)", and ability "not being able to forget, generally".

Anyway, so texting went back and forth a few times. I can't do any work today. Can I go home and mope? I work very hard otherwise, so just today?

Reading Marathon was Today

My boss is running at London Marathon and decided to take part in smaller marathons to prep himself for the big one. As Berkshire resident I was asked to be at Reading marathon as his cheering team.

I timed it badly and only got to see him once (I was supposed to catch him twice at 6mile point and 11 mile point), so I ended up running 2.7 mile with Figarion so I can meet him at the finishing point. Look how I ended up all sweaty like all the great runners who made the goal at Madejski stadium!

I did this because Google map lied it's half the distance,
and I detest how inaccurate and unreliable Google map is.
Google map tricked me so many times in the past and
why do I still fall for it???

Then to catch up with him I got into Green Park heading for the meeting point, and within minutes I bumped into Mr. EggBe, who lives about 20 miles away, whom I have dated very briefly till he met his current GF, who was sitting near him when I gasped and yelled his name, FOLLOWED BY "D" who is a flat mate of the guy who gotten rid of me 8 or 9 months ago. I have not seen either of them for such a long time, and it really was too much in one go.

My boss came out with a medal (everyone who finishes the race gets it) and I told him whom I bumped into, and he was all,
"Ahh, so many exes, I can't get my head around them!"

I don't think  have that many exes. Well, I have many ex-so-and-so (friends, flat mates, co-workers) but not ex flames. The problem with me is that those few actually linger around my life for far too long, and their stories overlap, and become confusing to whom being reported on them sporadically.

Well, overall it was a beautiful day, and my boss did well, am so proud of him. Good luck for the London Marathon, boss man!

After all the commotion...

I Like Watching Couples Fight in ASDA

It is like going to theatres, ASDA. You don't get this in Waitrose. Maybe in TESCO, but I find them a little too self centred. ASDA folks, including myself, are kind of people who are well aware that we are stingy.

Anyway, I was on my way there and someone texted me. I had some hunch, and picked the phone up, but as I was driving I only skimmed through the message for half a sec and put the phone down.

It was from the guy who gotten rid of me 9 months ago, he was worried for my family after the earthquake.

I couldn't read the whole message, but got the essence of it. I could also tell that it was well composed, well structured, not just off top of his head.

I knew that he couldn't stay away from me through a time like this. I mean, all my family could have died, what sort of heartless b-tard would keep mum and not ask if they are OK? Even that woman who hates me at my pub came up and asked, caringly, if I was OK.

A bit confused, my head, why so when kindness happens, like a gift?

Reign of Terror

"Dee, are you terrified of me?"
My boss's misses said so as she walked in the bar. My instant reaction, in my brain, was to scream,
"Yes, Yes, ooohhh YES!!"
however my mouth was quick to hold that very thought, and instead replied,
"No, why, Anne?"

Missus continued,
"Because Amy's parents told me so."

The night before my shift, also my shift, she had a blazing row with Amy who consequently quit the pub. Amy's folks phoned up that morning and told Anne how their daughter was mistreated by Anne, and that,
"All the girls are terrified of me, they say. So, are you??"

Anne was in my face and dead serious. How could she ask me that question, isn't it f-in obvious that everyone IS terrified of her? and I mean everyone including my boss, and many of our customers??

I mean, how would you respond to a question like that?

(BTW, Anne is terrifying but mostly hormonal, and she really is a great business woman and I do like her, even though other tell me she treats me the worst.)

My boss's dog
(He obviously likes things that are scary.)

The Greatest Thing

I was working this morning at the pub, and after the lunch hour rush it was the time for regulars to show up.

The carling drinker, whose is also a plumber, came in with a cider drinker who never pays us cash. Cider drinker buys them a round and they started chatting about work with such enthusiasm I was left behind to even know what were the words said between them.

After the cider drinker left I was pretty much on my own with the carling drinker, and felt that I must make a small talk.

rrugh...

Then I remembered that he brought his dog to the pub a few months ago when his family was with him. It was a little terrier which was cotton coloured ball of fluff, everyone went,
"AWWWWWWW"
while the guy himself is this hardcore lager drinker who can chuck down 10 pints without getting tiny bit tipsy, and always reeks of his fags. His clothes always covered in paints, and he drives company white vans, and his wife swears. He is the furthest thing from,
"AWWWWWWW".

"So, how is your puppy?"
I asked.
"Wot, my dog? He is, you know...."
He looked down almost growling,
(Shoop, was I not meant to ask a man about his cute dog, was that offensive?)
"Well, you know he is.... great!"
The last word, emphasized with this smile sprung out of nowhere. His eyes are drooling and he now just wants to boast how cute and sweet his pup is. Awwww, sweet.

Man's best friend, indeed. Love them, we cannot live without them.

yaaaaaaawn

eBay and a drama

I have been hooked on eBay now for about 10 yrs.  Me and eBay had so many good memories and bad memories... I have spent far too much money with it, but, well, enjoyment of it is priceless.

I do also sell stuff on it, though due to their charges I never make that much money. Still sometimes it is better to auction stuff off than throwing them away.

I was looking at the list of things I sold, and thought,
"OK, it says I made X amount of money off sales, but the charge is Y and then PayPal charge is Z..."
and remembered a friend who used to sell stuff there. She had set up a shop there and was selling clothes and stuff, I think, I am not too sure, it sounded like she was selling her junk off but her junk was quite expensive to begin with so she was making a thousand a month before charges.

She was a pre-op transsexual then, and was doing eBay to make money for the operation. She was also driving a cab, she told me over the phone, because she did not want to wait for NHS fund for the operation, and then she also told me to look up her web site.

I did, and there she was, a mobile pre-op tranny dominatrix.

It was shocking, to say the least.

I find all the sex industry thing disgusting, so I stopped talking to her soon after. I did not like the idea of making money for her operation in that way, either. If she was certified as genuine gender identity disorder then she should get the fund off NHS, rather than whipping married men's behind at their houses while wives and kids are away (this was what she described her work was like to me.)

She was also a lesbian, too, which I just didn't get. She was being assessed by the doctors when she met her GF, then they started to have hetero relationship. Then she still insisted that she was a women trapped in man's body. How could I understand that??

She was a good friend of mine, and we were very close for years, and her gender issue never interfered our friendship until this GF thing happened. Then we lost in touch till she googled me and emailed me. I still cut her off, though.

I know lots of "interesting" people like her...

I wonder if I meet these people because I ooze some sort of weird vibe?
It is time to change that.

To mark my new start (sort of)
I have bought my frist BIG bud duck.
Thank you, House of Fraser for having SALE on.