I absolutely don't mean to.
Sometimes you can't help but meeting some people with OBVIOUS faults. Like, being extremely overweight, or having VERY visible skin conditions, or have bad depression.
I have no strong feelings against these things and I don't pick friends on the basis of these conditions.
After all, I have many a these such faults and THEY accept me for who I am. Even if I can clearly noticed these I never seemed consciously saw these things.
That is all very well.
Then after a while, I realize that I do actually have got some problems with these thing, DEEP DOWN.
It never surfaces, and I never say anything or take actions to mock these things. What happens is, after they dump me (not just boyfriends, friends dump me, too.) I feel like so;
"I accepted you despite these things, and now you are ditching me??"
That is the moment I feel so cold and sad about myself. I hate being so shallow, and would be shocked to realize that I was potentially narrow minded and snob all along.
Am I really shallow, or the ill feeling of getting dumped bring these hostility...?
It is particularly bad when I fall in love with someone. Like, being in love with someone with mental illness, like I did, will bring so much ill feelings after things go hideously wrong.
"I took you in despite of you being loon and all, now you are using that as an excuse to threat my life???"
OH, dear, I felt bad saying that.
I mean, knowingly letting myself in these situations was all my fault, and if I wouldn't like that I could have stayed away instead of pretending to be OK about it, till something got out of control.
Which truly is shallower;
not talking to someone because he has psoriasis all over his body,
or kissing his lesions and tell him he is beautiful, till he turns to you and tells you to bog off?
