Recovering Means You Will Never be the Same Way Again

I have developed a crush on someone I am not supposed to have a crush on. It doesn't matter who it is on and why I am not supposed to have it on, but we've been emailing and texting quite a bit and it was all fun, and decidedly clean.

I know this guy went for a kill once or twice already, every which time I dodged it politely; I will not act on it.

Today he told me something about his past, and I thought that was quite disgusting, but as I am not going to get together with this person it didn't matter to me.

I was thinking how easy and breezy my life was when my concern was not centred around someone other than myself. Narcissism is the way to go.

And I told him that I thought that was obnoxious, but that's just me, and I have no judgement on him.

He didn't reply for about 3 hrs after then.

I was panicking, then started texting apologies and some other stuff to him, panic texted mates saying I screwed up.

I knew I didn't screw up, really, because there was nothing to screw up on. Yet I panicked.

This was not because I like this person so much. Or maybe. Doesn't matter which.

The point is that, after he texted me back and told me he didn't think what I said was offensive, I sighed of a relief, then thought,

"I so am not ready for this."

It's been almost 10 months since my last "gotten rid of" by someone, and I still am fretting for life over 3 hours of possibility of being disliked slightly by someone who is definitely not going to be in my life, indefinitely.

All the memories of worrying to lose someone because I did this and that, ...would this person chuck me out if I say this, would I be dumped if I liked this.... all those none-sense came flooding back.

I can't do this. I will never even try doing this again.

Standing on my own two feet, if I may.