Things are far from peaceful. It is like this; non-stop struggle, tear, blood and sweat for days on end, and then a hint of ecstatic joy. Not a good mixture on an impending schizo. Very confusing time. It is like getting showered with bad news of credit crunch, then realize that is only bringing down your mortgage payment.
This year has been all about self-hating, as a result of betrayal. I feel rotten, and so small, and all of my attempts to ease the problem, for myself and for others around me, have backfired and hurt me seriously, hence made myself unbearable to the others. 2 people came into my life, took insurmountable amount of things away from me this year. One took so much money, trust, and love from me, and the other took my time, care and what was left of my dignity. Now I feel like a new person. I have now lost all that I had on me like layers of padding, being left barebuttnaked.
I now am so afraid that if I go anywhere near any other human being, it will have some distinctive affect on all parties involved, in a hideously negative way. Thus, naturally, am retreating. I feel that something has ended.
Now, that sounds all negative and dull, but it had to be done because this is the only thing I can do to get to you, and you know who you are. You deserve nothing but a criminal charge against you. I know you don't give a damn, and that's fine. I know it will all get back to bite your arse. I am only doing this so you won't be able to glamorise the whole affair for your enjoyment.
There are so many things happening, even though I am not moving a nudge. There is a sense of change. If an era ended, I guess another is coming this way, and that's probably why I am hoping for a pause, because the new beginning is a scary thing. I am beginning, somewhat unwillingly, to set off to something which looking to me right now like a vast white ocean, essentially on my own. Cheers.
