On and Off

Boss asked me to cover for someone by doing a double shifts, and so I went and worked my behind off for 9 hours or so, it was crazy busy.

All these time the girls collected coca-cola tabs for me, so I can get a free t-shirt from coca-cola GB, which amounted to more than a handful.

Thank you, girls xx

I am so lazy, and not very good at using time, so I work. If I work I don't waste my time, and I get to earn some dough. If no work I bum around to no end. It's like having on-off switch, and working is like forcing myself to be "on". Otherwise am permanently off. How disgusting and lowly motivated way to live, me thinks.

That was Saturday, and then came home and had some "well-done-me" drinks, and went to bed around 4am. Woke up just before 10am on Sunday, which is brilliantly early for me, and thought this was too good to be true. This is so not me, I don't do normal stuff like getting up in AM on Sundays. Nah, I don't buy it.

Next thing, I opened my eyes and saw clocking ticking close to 5pm. Nah, I don't buy it either, my eyes were closed only for a few min. Couldn't be 5pm already. Nah, no way.

But unfortunately it really was 5 O'clock. My hoping for doing few bits and bobs today was totally out of window. This is how my life is only consisted of work, work and more work. I am becoming my father.

Well am rested well and ready for another week filled work, work and more work.

Happy Mondays, everyone!

I am so full of it

In the past few weeks, I had an opportunity or two to join a group of work related people to have some food and drinks. When a bunch of people get together to just have fun drinks and such there is always one queen bee (whether it's a guy or girl) who has to be the centre of attention.

I actually am one of those bees, BUT, I also am a timid character without alcohol, so tend to give away my bee chair to someone else after a while, so someone else can start chatting away about himself.

Once I retire from the bee chair I sit back and start watching people fire away with autobiographical stories, which was waiting to burst out while I was yammering mine.

Then I think;
How boring the story is,
How loud they are,
How lame their opinions of things are,

The church where Last Supper is at.
Slightly more interesting than my yammering :p

and instantly begin to hate myself for thinking those things. I am full of crap, can't even go on without having all eyes on me for 1 min?


Well, actually, it is not like I do not enjoy hearing them. It is all very interesting to see different sides of people after a drink or two, and hearing about their private stories. It is more about my expectation speaking;
These people who boss me around has something to say, and this was all what they can come up with??

I have 2 jobs and a part of my job is actually to listen to drunk people talk about absolutely nothing. I love hearing non-nonsensical and really trivial stuff that's never going to help me in any way. I love low-intelligent conversations and stories without any firm conclusions. I just do not enjoy them coming from people I personally know too well, I guess. he difference of their colours, so to speak, is insurmountable, and absurdly boring. What is that??

Me and My Sundays

There are so many things I am not good at doing, one of which is to spend weekend / time off.

I never liked Sundays. I do not hate them, just dislike them, I get Sunday blues.

There is nothing wrong with Sundays, I love the fact that I don't have to get up to go to work, but then I usually sleep till I get up, which often means half of the day gets wasted in bed, and by the time am up I am exhausted from too much sleep, of which usually the cause of headache for the rest of the day. It's impossible to sleep well that evening because I cannot be tired in half a day regardless of how hard I try / play / work and a lousy Monday awaits.

Some times I do force myself to get up in the AM and force myself even harder to do useful things like house chores / sort out the week / shopping like any functional adults would be doing on their day offs, but then I end up having nothing to do in the evening.

Getting bored on Sunday means getting REALLY bored; there's nothing on telly on Sundays and it is too late to call out for friends because everyone else have useful and lovely things to do with loved ones and friends and families. So I end of trying not to stay bored possibly accompanied with glass or two or more of wine while rewarding oneself for being functional till then, and that's never good.

I start thinking too many unnecessary stuff, usually get sad, while dreading the next day because I have to work again, all these while am getting drunk.

Today I got up at 11.30am, which is good in my sense, did some house stuff, and bid and won something on eBay, then was getting ready to take dogs out when my eyes got so heavy and decided to nap for an hour. Next thing I was getting up and it was in complete darkness, and realized it was 9pm. 9 PM!?!? OMG.

Been to Italian Riviera with family.
Should write something of it soon..

In sheer panic and shame I think of the stuff I actually HAVE to do in next few hours, but the reality is that I will probably not going to sleep tonight, giving me all night to do anything I have to do, and that's not good because I have a busy week ahead. I may need to knock myself out with some binge drinking, oh dear.

There are loads of busy folks out there who never stop even on their time offs, and I think these people either enjoy making their life to look busier than it actually is in order to make them look more important or hard working etc., or they are just very very functional and getting million more things done than the likes of me. Either way I wish I were like that. (And that's why I was working 7 days a week at one point, just not to get Sunday blues.)

This is to say I am sorry for my wasted Sunday and next weekend, I promise, to be better one. Hope everyone else had a nice weekend!

Story of My Deformity 4

So they basically forced me to work in such a condition, and while my intention was to help my team with paper work they further insisted that I make sales call from my house, too.

My land line was my own, and my company had no right to make me calls from my house. But my boss basically said that I am not doing much by working remotely and of course it is my duty that I do so.

Nothing beats watching a huge communal tank full of
flying fish
when it comes to releasing stress :)

This is when I finally snapped and started write of break-down of my daily work at home, basically stating that I was working 13 hours a day (normally 8 hrs/day) because remote network was so slow and I needed extra time to finish each task, therefore doing just as much amount for work as I were in the office, and that my boss obviously didn't know how the team worked day by day.

The time like this actually made me rethink my future with the company. I seriously was disappointed by their treatment towards me. They don't deserve me in any way and I can do better than being treated this badly.

So, next summer, when my contract is up, I will be saying sayonara to their faces and I will not give a toss whether they find someone else who can even do half of what I do for them.

What an lousy entry, a whole bunch of them, I apologize. I will return to normal blogging in next one.
Guess just needed to offload.

(Am doing ok, thank you DD x)

Story of My Deformity 3

To answer my caring friend's comment, yes, I was well looked after while I was house bound. Someone who was kind enough to worry that I'd die if I didn't eat for a day (in reality I can go on for 3 days for sure as I have stored up enough fat and sugar!) came by with bags of groceries from Marks!

So my work finally got the picture on how serious the damage was,

BUT,

I did casually mention that I could do some desk work if required,

and next thing they were setting my computer up remotely, got that ready in an hour, and my boss was saying,

"So can you pick it up from there, start doing them applications now?"

What? I came back from A&E at 2am this morning, and am still in the torn pants and in pain and all and you want me to work NOW???

So they insisted that I work from home that way. I was not even given 1 day off.

to be continued... (Next one should be the last, hopefully.)

Story of My Deformity 2

Once dislocated knee is back in place then it is a matter of "what has been damaged or not?" but no longer about pain.

I walked (last time I was carried) using temporary brace and my crutches, and then carried onto ambulance, and off I went to the Royal Berks. Thank goodness for NHS and their very skillful staff.

On arrival my waiting time was announced to be around 4 hours, and I just sat in a very well air conditioned examination room for ages, while hearing some guy been treated for his dislocated shoulder in the next room, who seemed have done it while doing some charity sports event. All his colleagues were there cheering him up praising his bravery, promising him that his work will be covered by them and they were all happy for him to take some time off. I also sat nearby a very disoriented guy who was covered in blood, weeping how he tried to top himself because his wife has left him. I was also pushed around a few times passing in front of a young guy who was hand cuffed and was guarded by 2 police men, but didn't get to find out what this one did.

I think I arrived there around 8pm or 9pm, and was there for at least 4 hours. By 10pm I have texted everyone at work explaining what was happening, and how serious the injury was, and that I am not going to work the following day. Most of them texted back, except for general managers.

I got up next day and thought I'd better call work and discuss my options. At this point I have no strength in my right knee, and was strapped in a big fat knee brace, still in the clothes I was wearing from the time of collapse because I was wearing a sweat pants that required the brace to be removed for changing. I was also in pain and could not sit in a chair for a long time unless my whole right leg was supported.

blurtin' blur

"Hi boss, how is it going, is everyone panicking as am not coming in?"
I asked. He replied,
"It's not too bad now, but if it's going to be more than a couple of days?"
I interrupted him right there,
"It will be more than couple of WEEKS!!"

The point there was that I have to drive to work, or take trains (so many I can't count how many) to get to work, and those 2 options were improbable due to the fact;

1. I could not walk
2. I could not move or bend my right knee to maneuver my car.

"How long are you talking about, really?"
Boss asked,
"Took me months last time, but can't say till I see a doctor next week."

was my answer.

to be continued...

Story of My Deformity

This was a while back, I was at a private hospital, having my knees examined by mum's boss (bone specialist) who took so many X-rays and then wiggled my legs and knees and then said,
"Well, you are born with deformity in your knees."

Did not think the choice of words he used were nice, but that basically was that, I have knees that are abnormal. I happened to have a dent on my ear, so that makes 3 in total. I don't mind having something that are just mine, really.

What it is, though, is that my knee caps are rather loose and my knees are very easily popped. Have done so twice in past 8 years, and it had happened again 4 weeks ago.

I was watering my garden, and thought about washing my car as the hose was set towards where car was parked. So I went inside to get a bucket, and found it, then bent my body backward to grab a sponge which was right behind me. Then next thing I've lost balance and I was on floor. I knew what had happened, but I was in such a pain and shock I couldn't move to see my knee to check it.

A minute had passed and I put all my remaining guts and energy to look down (or up in this case, as I was laying on the floor and my thigh was up in the air,) and sure enough, there was a lower part of my leg missing below my knee,but just hanging off the joint.

Paramedics cut open my sweat pants
(@£3 from George!)

I began screaming as if I was being murdered, through the open door, as loud as I can. It was late afternoon to early evening and I knew people will hear me, but, man, that felt like it was forever before someone said,
"What is the matter?"

It was quite lucky that I had my knee dislocated at that time of the day, at where I was at. I had all my necessities in visible proximity, and even had my crutches next to me from the last dislocation.

Paramedics arrived within 30 min, gave me laughing gas, and snapped my knee back in place, which is one of the worst things I had to experience.

This story goes on for a bit as that was the only beginning. Well, let's just say, thanks to my neighbours, paramedics and my crush I am OK today, and am walking about with some aid of crutches.


to be continued...

Eternal Entity

I use a mobile phone which connects with my PC and backs up everything. The software for it also works as a modem so one can type on PC then send it as txts. This function, as far as I know, is a bit rare thing and for a txt addict like me it really is an essential tool, preventing me to move onto a smart phone.

I like keeping my txt messages, especially from someone whom I am crazy for. I keep all the txts I have ever received from Mr. EggBe, and the same goes for my crush.

Used to the same for the guy who has gotten rid of me 12 months ago, and I still have them somewhere in my hard drive. But even back when I was madly "in" with that guy I knew very much that there will be a day when I find the files and thing,
"Why on earth did I ever obsess over stupid messages like them?"

Today the software started acting up and I have lost all my old texts received since this March. I am guessing that's about 1500 txt messages from my crush. They just went and nowhere to be found. I have no idea what they said, I never had chance to read them back as there were so many, and I naturally panicked. Oh dear, what am I to do now, my record of correspondence with someone who mean so much to me...

But then again, do I feel this way for how long? I mean he could be gone tomorrow, and I can immediately start hating him from tonight if anything happens. Why am I clinging onto memory that's 3 months old to a day old. Age of memory makes no difference, the only common thing is that,

it has happened, and it is in the past,

move on, forget storing them somewhere,

just keep going.

Mr. EggBe once told me, once someone stop contacting you then make sure to erase that person's number. The person has chosen exist from your life and there's no use waiting for it to return. There's no sin in forgetting someone who left you.

I am a storere, my house is full of junk,

but some day, I will just get rid of them all. And who knows, he may be waiting for you 2 days from today, 2 years from today, 20 years from today.

Happiness Within?

I took a day off and went to Gloucestershire to feed Penguins

It was my first day off, as in a day of fun, since forever, and I just wanted to take my dogs and a friend to Gloucestershire to see King Penguins.

My banner picture is of King Penguins I took last year in Berlin Zoo, and they were fat and beautiful, yet they were so far away from me, as their habitat was within a climate controlled glass room.

When we got to the Birdland in Bourton-on-the-Water, and as soon as walking into the birds area I pretty much came face to face with these fatties.

I could have touched them at this point.

My company was in a generous mood who also knew too well how hard I was working for weeks and weeks including weekends, for free, decided to surprise me with a gift of the right to feed penguins there. I was speechless when I found out this was pre-booked prior to our visit, and deeply touched.

Anyway, so here we went the feeding time, I was led through the back of the penguin house, and the keeper gave me all the instructions such as;

Do not pat penguins,
Do not pick the fish up from floor if you / penguins drop any,
Do not be startled by the hand reared penguins who will think you are the mum and will not leave you alone,
etc. etc.

This is me feeding the hand reared penguin who just stood around my feet like a kitten.

Meet "Spike" the Penguin.

The experience was once in the life time thing for me. The right to feed actually costs quite a bit, but not only that, the fact I was almost squished by hungry King Penguins while holding dead fish in my Marigolded hands were just too fun and joyous to be described by my limited vocabulary. It was just like a dream, but somehow a lot better than a dream.

It was quite a hard work though, feeding them birds. I mean, small penguins (Humboldt) ate small fish that were scattered into pool, but I find throwing fish at the right timing so the birds can catch them while swimming at the full speed was not a piece of cake.

Then there were Kings. I guess they weren't too starving or something, but I had to walk around remembering which penguin was fed and which was not, instead of let them come to me asking for food. Then I have to be patient before they open their beaks to swallow the fish. Some pecked me a lot, and some plain refused to eat.

The 4th penguin from the left, the kind of fluffy one, is the one who starred in Batman Returns, and he is apparently 32 yrs old (penguin year or human year, am not sure which.) He was limping a little but was a character. He ate from me, so that was cool :)

It was a fun day, and I thank my dear friend for the gift, and for spending this special day with me.

Penguins are simply so beautiful. And fat.

Flirt Alart!!

Was at a pub working tonight, and this Ship tycoon guy came in. He is extremely good looking, charming guy of early 40s, who drives a Porsche with a personalized registration number plate, and drinks Kronenberg.

Girls at the pub all think I fancy him, because I get a bit flirty around him. Sure, he is my type, I liked his looks even before I knew he was rich, but he is married. ....I only flirt for his car!!

Every time I see him drunk I coo up to him and say,
"Oh, I lurrve your car, will you let me touch it one day?"
and that's been going on for like 2 yrs now.

TONIGHT, he let me start his car engine.

"Dee, you sit there, and put your feet on the crutch all the way, aaaand turn the ignition, NOW!"

OMG, that rev!! I fell in love instantly!! I must have it!! Oh, Roy Sparks, I know what you were talking about now!! I want it so much!!

One day... maybe.

I love cars, love them, I do...

Thanks K-OB. Tomorrow you get in your car and wonder why the driver sheet is pulled up so far to the front. He-he.

Truman, Not Quite Capote

I used to write novels when I was in high school. Looking back now I was seriously talented, even though some of the stuff now makes me blush due to emotional overload. I think just had a good sense in human psychology and instinctively knew how current flows in day-to-day life, so to speak.

I've stopped writing when started to speak in non mother tongue language every day, because actually began forgetting my first language, and my priority was to adopt into new linguistic life.

Then I realized that I could no longer produce any novels because anything I wrote became so fake and appeared to be fictitious in my eyes. ...My actual life was far too dramatic and complicated already.

After then my life became even more dramatic and almost entertaining. I think it was around in 2005 when my friends started telling me that they couldn't keep up with my life story because there were too much stuff happening, it was almost like watching EastEnders!

These days the situation has not eased up at all, and I continue living life that is probably as "happening" as any day time dramas in American TV network, I don't even bother telling my friends any more. (It's just not possible to keep them updated. Way too many characters, way too many incidents, and way too perplexing emotions.) So much so I sometimes wonder if I am in one of those "Truman Show" type stuff and that my whole life is scripted by some producer.

Today was one of those days I was almost totally convinced that I was in such a show. Why 3 exes get in touch with me within 2 weeks, while my crush is calling me almost twice daily and texting non-stop declaring how he wishes to be with me, yet another ex texts me announcing he broke up with his GF?? That's 4 in 2.5 weeks!!! OK, this is too much twist, I can't take this any more. Ahhh leave me alone, what's next, what the heck!?!?!?

Oh, I bet they will kill my best friend off next, or will they bring my dead dog back into life???? or a second family my Dad was hiding???? What????

Co-Star (pretty much mended)

On a Day Like This

The sun was in its full power, shining down on us lounging in the long weekend,
I was being so lazy and it was getting later in the afternoon,
better start with my garden or I will grow root on my PC,

I got up and opened the front door while holding back Waywee,
all the while Figarion just jumped through me and ran out of the house.

He ran around for a sec and came back, only to run back into the busy road,
all I heard was a screech of a brake,

then saw my stupid dog running staright back to me,

I was shouting at him for not coming back to me when called,
why didn't you listen to me, young man, you are so silly,

I went back into the house but someone followed me and I heard the knock,
"Sweetheart, your dog WAS hit by a car so you have to take him to the vet,"
there was a stranger telling me this,

but Figarion was fine. He really was acting normal.
I sat holding Fig thinking what to do.
I poked him everywhere but Fig didn't yelp, so obviously nothing was broken, just a scartch or two.

I gave it a while, but Fig was still fine,
yet I took him to the vet, just in case, despite the out of hour fee.

The emergency vet was short staffed (everyone is on bloody holiday now due to Easter and Royal wedding bank holidays), it was totally unmanaged and chaotic,

when we walked into the consultaion room the vet shrieked and froze in front of my face and told me to step back,
before urging us to go into the next room.

Later I heard him telling his assistant,
"There is a dead cat in the cosultation room A, can you take of it for me?"
and I then knew why there was a crying couple standing outside when I arrived.

My stupid Fig was fine. He was costing me a fortune, but all I did was to hug him and told him that I was glad he was still with us.
"What would I have done if you were gone, don't you dare do that again."

Hope he learnet his lessons and now knows that car is not something he can run through.

Romance is...

When you are nuts about someone who is not supposed to be your object of the affection, everything you do with that person becomes the ground for debates. I am not going to proceed anything with my crush and the idea is mutual with him so we are remaining friends, but we do go out occasionally for a bite, and it looks, and feels like a date.

The other day we went out, and the Spanish place put us in the corner in a full view of Thames. It was late afternoon and sun was out, and was beautiful. We sat there look into each other's eyes, and I am thinking,
"How come this feels so right, and I am not with this person?"
I mean, I am not here's-to-looking-at-you-kiddo kind of person, in any situation, not even with boyfriends. I do not have an ounce of romance in my blood, that's what that is.

What was the worse part of this was that the entire time we were there there was a massive search going for a missing swimmer right in front of us, and there were police boats and coast guards going up and down in our view. We were also sat 3 yards from the missing guy's friend frantically calling people up in tears (not that we could hear as the guy was outside of the patio) and this should all negates any romantic notion, but it didn't.

Here I am in the middle of 4 day long weekend, completely oblivious to the Royal wedding fever, just thinking stuff as any other day.

My garden. Now taken over by myosotis, and two dogs.

SNS

This was my uni time, years and years ago...

My friend started dating this guy who was a year above us and also was rich. To me he was just money, because that's all he thought about when it came to the objectives of his life. He wasn't particularly good looking nor charming, and was always looking for a girl who is suitable for him and his family. My friend fit in the picture to him as she was extremely attractive and loved money, and was also a bit thick.

Before my friend he was b**ging some girls in his year (sorry for the way I put it but that's the most appropriate word,) but they were never his girlfriends, that sort of thing.

After my friend became his girlfriend he started telling her about his flings and one day my thick friend pointed at the girl afar and told me that that was his fling.

"Everyone is laughing at her and calling her a village bicycle, everyone had a ride."

She said, very demeaningly.

"I asked him how could you f**k someone like her and he told me he always did her from behind and made sure her face was buried in her pillow."

She continued triumphantly, laughing.

OK, so she was a bit of a slapper and was not so attractive, everyone may have had a bite, but did she deserve such a comment from whom just happened to become his girlfriend instead of his squeeze? And why are you laughing at her, this is some derogatory thing YOUR boyfriend did!!??

Well, I heard him talking equally disrespecting stuff about my friend and it just made me feel reassured that I saw him through from the beginning. This gave me a valuable lesson, never to be friend with someone who slags people off, because he / she will do that to you when you are out of sight.

But the point of this entry is that I recently found him on SNS (FB to be precise) and when I saw his profile the "bicycle" was in his list. O, you silly girl, you have not learned anything??

I can't stand these harmful, pretentious people who is out there to get anyone because they love nothing but themselves.

In totally unrelated subject,
I've got Fig on my foot.

It all happens all at once...

Today my crush confesses his love for me. Well, I didn't buy it. You can't fall for someone after only about 6 months of talking, texting, and emailing, without even kissing that person, nah, not real. (I have only touched his hand when handing back his change.)

In the meantime the guy who has gotten rid of me shows up at my door after 10 months.

Life is a funny place to be.

My boss is currently on his annual leave and I am supposed to be in charge of my team (me plus a nutty one). I have so much to do and cannot keep an eye on the loopy one, but am doing my best. It feels like a madness handing a load of work which is basically 3 times more than usual amount, while the weather has been crazy hot outside, it feels like I am in a bad dream, or on an acid trip I've heard so much about. All the flowers came out all at once, the scenery is of May now in the filed (bluebell, lilacs and wisterias all in bloom, can you believe that???) my dogs were panting in heat when walking.

Something is wrong. or changing. I can sense something is up. My herald told me some changes / commotions in March and April, one being the earthquake, I take it, so what's the other? What, what?

Can anyone sense that? There is something in the air, can you smell it?

No wonder I need them at work.
My work life savers xx

Blush!

My crush did not kidnap me in his car, and I had a really nice afternoon at his work place, looking at iSAM and all. The more I spend the time with him the more I am addicted to this guy yet the more I am becoming sure this is not going to work. All is confusing as all other things in my life are.

Today I took my Figarion (and Waywee) to a long walk in fields, and I let him off the leash so he can play fetch. He, then, immediately began running towards this Alsatian 1/6 mile away with a bunch of people and did not come back to me as I commanded.

He finally came back after these nice people told him to bugger off, running back to me, only to return to Alsatian and the people right away. I was so embarrassed from afar, just repeating his name like idiot, and commands to come back to me.

He did this 3 times, running back and forth. I was all red but luckily the people didn't see me as they are now 1/4 mile away, walking away from us.

It is a tough call to decide if I should be happy that he listens to me eventually while he chooses the time to listens to me. Well, I guess he does have brain, which suites him fine. (Waywee can never return to me, I know this.)

More from my new collection.
They are so cute, but
I wish they made Wales ones.

Crazy

My crush has been so sweet to me, it was very obvious that he liked me probably more than I did to him. He was constantly in touch with me throughout every day, I got used to him being around, and since I genuinely enjoyed his company it was becoming more than infatuation, but something with a bit more back bone.

and he got me this!!

I told him that I was crazy about him, (as in, I am crazy about these new luxuary compact cars, or I am crazy about fusion menues available in yappie restaurants, or I am crazy about fitness platform shoes.) My, was he chuffed to bits. He flipped with joy, and I freaked out seeing his reaction. Did I say the right word? I never knew "crazy" has to equale "in love"?? AM not in love with my crush, no, no, no!!

Next thing I know he was asking so what this lead us to next? Urrr, nowhere. This will not go anywhere, he is not right for me, so all is staying as is. Yet he invited me to pop around to his work place, and how could I say no to that, he works for THE company.

He suggested that he drives out to my work place and pick me up as this saves me driving as well as the congestion charge. I declined but he insisted.

Am going there this afternoon. Hope he won't kidnap me in his car.

Bill Evans and His Genius

Well, a friend asked me about Bill Evans, and I am taking advantage of writing up an entry about Bill.

Bill Evans is a jazz pianist who was classically trained and known for his improvisational style and experimenting attitudes with new technologies such as electric piano. He is, in my opinion, relatively unknown / forgotten musician; none of my friends who are into / play jazz knew who he was, even though they ALL got THE album, "Kind of Blue" by Miles Davis.

Miles Davis, "Kind of Blue" 1959

Bill Evans was the only white musician in Miles' sextet at the time of recording of "Kind of Blue", and said to have influenced Miles deeply during the session, where Miles took to impro heavily, while Bill Evans's problem with drug addiction worsened.

Bill Evans's music styles varied through years but he was always dedicated to his work and was a workaholic, which resulted in many, many albums, including many studio recoded albums.

I only have about 10 albums (He recorded about 50 or 60) and cannot say I know Bill Evans all that well, but his debut album "New Jazz Conceptions" was superb, and his second "Everybody Digs Bill Evans" is also amazing, which contains my absolute favourite "Peace Piece".

Bill Evans, "New Jazz Conception" 1956

Bill Evans, "Everybody Digs Bill Evans" 1958

"Peace Piece", to me, defines "beautiful music", it sounds more classical than jazz, and refreshing and very, very touching. Certainly not upbeat, but you must listen to this at least once to appreciate Bill Evans. 

As for live recordings he did produce many good quality recordings, interesting and diverse one is "Bill Evans at the Montreux Jazz Festival", as this is of very lively session, while Bill not making overstatement with his piano.

Bill Evans,
"Bill Evans at the Montreux Jazz Festival"
1968

His later recordings are slightly confusing, being similar to Miles Davis style in late 60's. With more electric samples the pieces sounds less soothing but more psychedelic.

He died in 1980 as the result of years of drug abuse.
I still dig Bill Evans and his genius today.

Chaos and How to Put it Under Control

My recent entries are so scatty and boring, I feel bad for whoever had to stop and skim through them. My outburst when facing chaotic situations is quite strong, I've known to react badly to certain things, however the affect is apparent only for a short while.

It is my life passion to learn how not to panic when facing all those unpleasant things. I was told the best way to know that there are other who suffer worse, and I believed that's the answer for years, but, well, that isn't it, clearly?

Telling someone to stop whining about such trivial matters because there are real problems happening to so many people in the world is easy  but is never practical. Yes, my problems are REALLY petty and stupid, but my suffering is real. Not just mine, anyone's any problem is real. And we all have to get over them, somehow.

That's what I've been trying to write here. Not about my problem, but how my problem affected me and how I am getting over it.

Well, so my latest attempt for putting things back to control is, to be honest with myself and talk it out (with myself or someone else.) Just stop lying to myself. Kinda worked.

zzzzz...

Contact is Being Made

...and this morning I have to spot his car on my way to work. "He" as in the guy who has gotten rid of me 9 months ago. I saw him where it was not his usual route, and I panicked, and (Ohhhh nooooo) texted him.

I don't know why I get like this. I know very well in my head that the past is past and life goes on and I should not look back, but my heart worships stuff like "grudge", "memory triggered feelings", "self pity (AKA Scorpion's staple food)", and ability "not being able to forget, generally".

Anyway, so texting went back and forth a few times. I can't do any work today. Can I go home and mope? I work very hard otherwise, so just today?

Reading Marathon was Today

My boss is running at London Marathon and decided to take part in smaller marathons to prep himself for the big one. As Berkshire resident I was asked to be at Reading marathon as his cheering team.

I timed it badly and only got to see him once (I was supposed to catch him twice at 6mile point and 11 mile point), so I ended up running 2.7 mile with Figarion so I can meet him at the finishing point. Look how I ended up all sweaty like all the great runners who made the goal at Madejski stadium!

I did this because Google map lied it's half the distance,
and I detest how inaccurate and unreliable Google map is.
Google map tricked me so many times in the past and
why do I still fall for it???

Then to catch up with him I got into Green Park heading for the meeting point, and within minutes I bumped into Mr. EggBe, who lives about 20 miles away, whom I have dated very briefly till he met his current GF, who was sitting near him when I gasped and yelled his name, FOLLOWED BY "D" who is a flat mate of the guy who gotten rid of me 8 or 9 months ago. I have not seen either of them for such a long time, and it really was too much in one go.

My boss came out with a medal (everyone who finishes the race gets it) and I told him whom I bumped into, and he was all,
"Ahh, so many exes, I can't get my head around them!"

I don't think  have that many exes. Well, I have many ex-so-and-so (friends, flat mates, co-workers) but not ex flames. The problem with me is that those few actually linger around my life for far too long, and their stories overlap, and become confusing to whom being reported on them sporadically.

Well, overall it was a beautiful day, and my boss did well, am so proud of him. Good luck for the London Marathon, boss man!

After all the commotion...

I Like Watching Couples Fight in ASDA

It is like going to theatres, ASDA. You don't get this in Waitrose. Maybe in TESCO, but I find them a little too self centred. ASDA folks, including myself, are kind of people who are well aware that we are stingy.

Anyway, I was on my way there and someone texted me. I had some hunch, and picked the phone up, but as I was driving I only skimmed through the message for half a sec and put the phone down.

It was from the guy who gotten rid of me 9 months ago, he was worried for my family after the earthquake.

I couldn't read the whole message, but got the essence of it. I could also tell that it was well composed, well structured, not just off top of his head.

I knew that he couldn't stay away from me through a time like this. I mean, all my family could have died, what sort of heartless b-tard would keep mum and not ask if they are OK? Even that woman who hates me at my pub came up and asked, caringly, if I was OK.

A bit confused, my head, why so when kindness happens, like a gift?

Reign of Terror

"Dee, are you terrified of me?"
My boss's misses said so as she walked in the bar. My instant reaction, in my brain, was to scream,
"Yes, Yes, ooohhh YES!!"
however my mouth was quick to hold that very thought, and instead replied,
"No, why, Anne?"

Missus continued,
"Because Amy's parents told me so."

The night before my shift, also my shift, she had a blazing row with Amy who consequently quit the pub. Amy's folks phoned up that morning and told Anne how their daughter was mistreated by Anne, and that,
"All the girls are terrified of me, they say. So, are you??"

Anne was in my face and dead serious. How could she ask me that question, isn't it f-in obvious that everyone IS terrified of her? and I mean everyone including my boss, and many of our customers??

I mean, how would you respond to a question like that?

(BTW, Anne is terrifying but mostly hormonal, and she really is a great business woman and I do like her, even though other tell me she treats me the worst.)

My boss's dog
(He obviously likes things that are scary.)

The Greatest Thing

I was working this morning at the pub, and after the lunch hour rush it was the time for regulars to show up.

The carling drinker, whose is also a plumber, came in with a cider drinker who never pays us cash. Cider drinker buys them a round and they started chatting about work with such enthusiasm I was left behind to even know what were the words said between them.

After the cider drinker left I was pretty much on my own with the carling drinker, and felt that I must make a small talk.

rrugh...

Then I remembered that he brought his dog to the pub a few months ago when his family was with him. It was a little terrier which was cotton coloured ball of fluff, everyone went,
"AWWWWWWW"
while the guy himself is this hardcore lager drinker who can chuck down 10 pints without getting tiny bit tipsy, and always reeks of his fags. His clothes always covered in paints, and he drives company white vans, and his wife swears. He is the furthest thing from,
"AWWWWWWW".

"So, how is your puppy?"
I asked.
"Wot, my dog? He is, you know...."
He looked down almost growling,
(Shoop, was I not meant to ask a man about his cute dog, was that offensive?)
"Well, you know he is.... great!"
The last word, emphasized with this smile sprung out of nowhere. His eyes are drooling and he now just wants to boast how cute and sweet his pup is. Awwww, sweet.

Man's best friend, indeed. Love them, we cannot live without them.

yaaaaaaawn

eBay and a drama

I have been hooked on eBay now for about 10 yrs.  Me and eBay had so many good memories and bad memories... I have spent far too much money with it, but, well, enjoyment of it is priceless.

I do also sell stuff on it, though due to their charges I never make that much money. Still sometimes it is better to auction stuff off than throwing them away.

I was looking at the list of things I sold, and thought,
"OK, it says I made X amount of money off sales, but the charge is Y and then PayPal charge is Z..."
and remembered a friend who used to sell stuff there. She had set up a shop there and was selling clothes and stuff, I think, I am not too sure, it sounded like she was selling her junk off but her junk was quite expensive to begin with so she was making a thousand a month before charges.

She was a pre-op transsexual then, and was doing eBay to make money for the operation. She was also driving a cab, she told me over the phone, because she did not want to wait for NHS fund for the operation, and then she also told me to look up her web site.

I did, and there she was, a mobile pre-op tranny dominatrix.

It was shocking, to say the least.

I find all the sex industry thing disgusting, so I stopped talking to her soon after. I did not like the idea of making money for her operation in that way, either. If she was certified as genuine gender identity disorder then she should get the fund off NHS, rather than whipping married men's behind at their houses while wives and kids are away (this was what she described her work was like to me.)

She was also a lesbian, too, which I just didn't get. She was being assessed by the doctors when she met her GF, then they started to have hetero relationship. Then she still insisted that she was a women trapped in man's body. How could I understand that??

She was a good friend of mine, and we were very close for years, and her gender issue never interfered our friendship until this GF thing happened. Then we lost in touch till she googled me and emailed me. I still cut her off, though.

I know lots of "interesting" people like her...

I wonder if I meet these people because I ooze some sort of weird vibe?
It is time to change that.

To mark my new start (sort of)
I have bought my frist BIG bud duck.
Thank you, House of Fraser for having SALE on.

Falls on Hard Time

Spring is almost here, and that's a good thing.

According to my Herald, 2011 will be rather a rosy year, and that my company (not that I own it) will be fine and do quite well, that was the premonition for the year.

About a month ago my company directors started to really freak out, and started to cut down cost. Apparently they screwed up and we have no money.

Next thing we started to lose staff because they were let go.

We are officially short staffed, and I will not have any holiday for unforeseenable future. In the time like this my fish tank is like an oasis, so here are some picture of it. (I only have 4 left in it, it started with 6. The project is on-going, and that's what it makes challenging. R.I.P. dead ones.)

 And last night Figarion ate my phone.

One single puncture (almost.)

Life goes on, and all is well.

The Day was a Disaster

So I got this email newsletter informing that one of my favourite restaurants is running a speed dating event on the V day. Speed dating on V day?? That IS the saddest thing I have ever heard. It will be full of SAAAAD people, it will be so sad, so much so I cannot miss it. So I signed up.

I have done speed dating before. I have met some nice people there, too. But I personally found internet dating more fun as I get more choice. With speed dating I only get to see about a dozen people, plus if you are female and attending such events, then you have to accept that "desperation" is written across your forehead, and even if you are not so (desperate) guys there will think you are.

But anyway, so I went there on the day in my little black number with red high heels which I have never worn because I cannot walk in those for more than 500 yards, but in this case I could as I was parking 300 yards from the venue.

Event wasn't literally filled with desperate lot, since most men were friends of organisers, and most women were kind of people who would say, without a hesitation, "Nobody here catches my eye." (Honey, if you don't drop that attitude that every guy is beneath you, especially when you are approaching 45, you will never even get laid.)

I had OK time talking to some people, and I was ready to leave. One guy volunteered to walk me to my car, I accepted this, and we walked for 3 minutes, and I realized that my car was gone.

My car was really gone, with my walkable shoes, work stuff, and all that. I called police, and as soon as I said the location they suggested that my car probably was towed. I called the council, who then confirmed that my car indeed was towed, and gave me the number for the towing company, who was located 10 min walk away.

The guy was so nice he volunteered to walk all that way with me, so we set off, then I fell 3 times in my ridiculous shoes, ended with a bloody knee, and finally made my way to the pound.

I then complained to the towing people that it was wrongly towed as there was no sign of prohibited zoning, but the towing folks dismissed me and told to appeal with the council, but not with them. They then charged me whipping £260 for all sorts of penalties and fees, and I got my car back.

So this, supposedly sad event, turn out to be seriously sad for myself, and expensive night out, too. Well, it is funny, though, I can still say. So sad, so much so I can laugh. And I am thankful to the man who went through this with me, without this man I would have ended up crying in misery and hate Kensington and Chelsea council for rest of my life. (I now hate them only for next year or two.)

The venue had an impressive collection of plates with Dada influence.

The Day Has Arrived

The V day is here. I am doing something REALLY sad tonight. I will report this later because it will be such a laugh!

I love being on my own, but I feel the world is against singletons. And it is increasingly hard on aging people like myself. It's OK to be single when you are 21 but not when you are 41 (which I am not, yet.)

I will live my life with one purpose;
When I die just one someone will say,
"I am glad D was born."

Anyway, tonight will be something to talk about later. Much cracking time.

Our Local Statue.
(People in my town will know what this is.)

There Are Other Idiots Out There

I was told by at least 2 others who have thrown their fish out by accident that it happens to the best of us.

I feel slightly better now.

Unthinkable

As this is so late and I cannot call up any friends to cry I am posting here.

I was changing water of my main tank, and after then I realized one fish was missing.

I think.... aw gawd.... I think I sucked him out and chucked him down the drain.

Or maybe he was dead and I got his body out. Don't know...

I have been torching outside drain for a long time to see any dead fish but it's dark out and he is small. I have sat in fron of tank for a good hour looking for him or his remains.

Am really upset and I need drink but am not supposed to today. Aw, bone head, bone head...

I guess people learn every day to be better fish keepers. If anyone reads this don't laugh, it can happen to you or anyone, you can chuck your fish down the drain, if you are really laid back and never check the bucket of water before throwing it away.

where are you...???

Tart

My crush did something I can only describe as the sweetest thing anyone ever did for me, in real, dream and fantasy life put together.

He showed up at my work with this present, and talked to me from his Vauxhall window, and I was all smiles, and and just could not believe he did this things for me.

"I fancy you, D, but I don't want you to think I am flirting with you,"

were his conflicting words,

OK, so maybe I have nothing to worry about. I am so smitten with this guy and so is he with me but we both know this cannot go anywhere.

I wonder if this is all trick?

And he really knows how to entice someone, (when I told my girl friends what he did they all squealed saying they couldn't believe how big a gesture he made.) yet closes the chapter with a statement like, "I am not gonna touch this."? O, eh.

Ramsey Lewis on my stereo sounds so stirring to me right now...

To demonstrate my joy then, I have put this up,
as this is a sight of heaven to me,
and I was 15 times happier to see him then.

Recovering Means You Will Never be the Same Way Again

I have developed a crush on someone I am not supposed to have a crush on. It doesn't matter who it is on and why I am not supposed to have it on, but we've been emailing and texting quite a bit and it was all fun, and decidedly clean.

I know this guy went for a kill once or twice already, every which time I dodged it politely; I will not act on it.

Today he told me something about his past, and I thought that was quite disgusting, but as I am not going to get together with this person it didn't matter to me.

I was thinking how easy and breezy my life was when my concern was not centred around someone other than myself. Narcissism is the way to go.

And I told him that I thought that was obnoxious, but that's just me, and I have no judgement on him.

He didn't reply for about 3 hrs after then.

I was panicking, then started texting apologies and some other stuff to him, panic texted mates saying I screwed up.

I knew I didn't screw up, really, because there was nothing to screw up on. Yet I panicked.

This was not because I like this person so much. Or maybe. Doesn't matter which.

The point is that, after he texted me back and told me he didn't think what I said was offensive, I sighed of a relief, then thought,

"I so am not ready for this."

It's been almost 10 months since my last "gotten rid of" by someone, and I still am fretting for life over 3 hours of possibility of being disliked slightly by someone who is definitely not going to be in my life, indefinitely.

All the memories of worrying to lose someone because I did this and that, ...would this person chuck me out if I say this, would I be dumped if I liked this.... all those none-sense came flooding back.

I can't do this. I will never even try doing this again.

Standing on my own two feet, if I may.

Being an 'Us' for Once, Instead of a 'Them'

My colleague who went nuts is now back from her sick leave. I still have no sympathy for her "depression" but never said a word on it, and welcomed her back when she showed up with a new hair cut and whole bunch of new clothes / shoes / bags on her plumper body. (Oh, so you were off sick, and went back to your home country and went to shopping, and went around all your favourite restaurants, and a hair salon.)

Her behaviour has since gotten worse, and she was blowing off her steam on me on daily basis.

One day, she was telling me to my face,
"I do not like your attitude when you talk to me."
in front of my boss.

Next day my boss's boss called us all in, sat us in a line like school children we are, and started telling her that I am her boss, and my boss is my boss, and so she cannot talk to me the way she did.

She wouldn't budge, and had that,
"If a look can kill"
enraged face. My boss's boss said,
"Why are you looking at ME like that? Don't you realize we are all your superior, and you have to obey us if we chose to give you some commands? Do you accept that fact? or you leave the company. Do you?"
and she actually said (and I still cannot believe she did,)
"No."


We all hoped that was the end of her, but she quickly took it back (darn).

My promotion took place ages ago, and I have been given lot more serious work since then, but I wasn't feeling that power thing about me.

I am not career driven at all. I am workaholic, and I love being stingy so I work a lot to get money, but I do not love seniority and therefore usually dislike whom I work for. I always worked the hardest in any place I've been, yet was never well received by my bosses because of my problem with authorities. So this was all new. I am now them, not us, and it is really OK to boss people around, if I wanted to. Wow.

I know I won't, though.

There were a bunch of piranhas in this community tank.
I was absolutely mesmerized by the sight.
(Small ones are THEM.)

He was a Rescue

I went to an aqua shop the other day because my home tank has been showing some signs of water problems, and needed some meds for it.

Yet another Berlin Zoo collection.

I hate going to this particular aqua shop because the shop staffs are all very experienced fish keepers who think novices like me are idiots, who are there to drop money regularly because we are not fit to keep fish, and we only kill them. They are very knowledgeable, but use that cleverness to make you feel small. They have no respect for customers who essentially pay their wages, and one of them even started texting me while I was made to wait for my change. Why do I have to kiss some twenty something year old aquarium shop boy's arse to get a school of neon tetras?

Yet another shop I used to go was a little too far away and their fish didn't survive too well after me getting them home.

Anyway, so I went to this snooty shop, and was mesmerised by ciclid in one tank, which just had her eggs hatched, and was hovering over mini fish in one corner, and constantly going over to the baby fish who tried to swim away, swallowing it, and spitting it back to the shoal. Baby fish are about 3mm, and mum was about 6cm, and it was such a dramatic scene. I could stay there forever.

But I had to check on other things, so I moved around he corner, and saw some sharks there. I have one of them, which is really like a small, slim carp with red fins. Min'is about 10cm, and he used to be about 5cm, so I assumed that he was fully grown.

But then I noticed this another tank with another shark, exactly the same one, except this one is about 20cm.

This fish shop is actually famous amongst aquarists for accepting unwanted, over grown fish off fish keepers and resell them to people whoever want them. It hit me easily that this big shark was chucked by his last owner.

I stood there for a long time looking at this guy. I felt sorry for the fish, who is so healthy that overgrew the tank. I don't like people throwing cats and dogs, and I didn't feel good about seeing abandoned fish, either.

Yet, I still managed to kill my fish time to time, so let's not compare notes here.

Stalk Me a Kipper

Loads and loads of things are happening. I am so stressed out my brain is now sliding in and out of different memory compartment to cope. One minute I am hopping mad because a public transport was tailgating me like a stalker, and next minute I am all smile while listening "I'm in the mood for love" by Carlie Parker. Basically I quit dragging a mass of stress to home, just a little trail of it.

The weather is turning so mild, D, it feels like Spring is just round the corner.

I have so many little things bothering me day after day, all I want to do is to go home and sit tight with a bottle of wine, but I am actually restricting my drinking, because stress + alcohol = a fist munching embarrassment in next morning.

Therefore my brain started to function is a manner mentioned above. I am starting to forget things. That is so unlike me. New job title comes with a new personality, maybe.

Another one from Berlin Zoo.
Their fish collection is simply fab!

Just an update;


I have successfully swapped my little plastic fish tank with a 10 gallon tank which was sitting on my phone desk at home, empty, for months. This was part of my plan and I only put the plastic one in the office first to easy things in without people opposing me by saying,

"My god, that's too big and noisy!"

Nobody has complained at the office just yet, but my big boss actually praised me for rearranging the file cabinet we weren't using, which I used to place a tank on. The Project Tank is now moving surely, and I am counting down the days till the day of fish.

Things To Do This Year

So, my new friend who often contributes her wisdom on my humble blog dropped in earlier in and asked me about my new year's resolution. Mmmm, I don't actually do "resolution" because I hate breaking promises; I am the furthest thing from "new year's resolution motivation".

Anyway, well, that very thought of me not even trying to achieve anything, and confessiong so at right beginning of the year made me nauseated, so I had a rethink, and decided that I will do lists each month to carry out some projects that are planned fo this year.

This is not exactly a new year's resolution, because the lists will contain things "not to do".

I can see infinity in it.

I've realized that I do certain things, consiciously, which are bad for me, very much aware how bad those are for me, and so I cannot help but to self-doubt my reasons for doing those. Is it self-harm? I must put these things on my list, and "not to do" those. I will make no-drink day, no-texting day, no-calling day etc. etc. and wipe my standing ground clean, so I can built something on it.

It will be so hard, I have an obsessive personality, but I need to make some changes in my life, or my life this year will be stagnant.

2010 / 2011

I was going to post this 4 hrs ago, but as always I was at work  when new year came.


2010 was all about things getting broken. SO many things got broken, like bathroom fan, floor, cat flap, shower heads, car, fridge, washing machine, relationship, epilator, alarm clock, toilet, door bell....

That's partly due to the fact I now have a dog who eats anything and everything, but this was a little excessive.

I will ask my herald (my premonition) what this year will bring to me. But I say this one thing now;

I want 2011 to be a productive year. I will do my best to make it just that.

Wishing everyone a happy happy new year xx