Wednesday 16 September 2009

People Eat When They Are Sad, Don't They?

I like the idea of going to the cinema late at night. I like it because the American style giant cinema which holds about 8 different theatres is usually empty, and it is surprisingly free of drunk and rude people who'd be there to hustle someone, or to have sex, or to throw up, or to make noise for their own amusement. Like it even more when I get special discount and I am occupying the theatre with just a handful well behaved, mature people, for £4.25.
 
Went to see a Meryl Streep film because I just wanted something cheerful, and she kinda fitted my mood. The film was OK, typical Nora Ephron, I'd say, could have been better. The film was sensational in the way that everyone in it kept speaking mouthful. And they smoked non-stop. But what was good was that I was actually on my own in the room tonight. I was in absolute solitary for 123 minutes. With a bottle of Pepsi Max wit 2 shots of Teachers. Heaven. Absolute heaven.
 
I sat in the best seat in the house, dead centre of the room, spreading my stuff and stretching legs out. Laughing out loud, gasping and giggling without a care in the world. This is what a solo person would do when one has 4.25quid.
 
When I left the theatre in the mid ending roll they even stopped rolling the film. They were running the film just for me, that's why.
 
I am doing OK, and I enjoyed the night. It is my time, and that is that. LOVE being here at this very moment. Don't think I am lying.

Sunday 6 September 2009

Black

This is totally random. I am getting drunk, and am BLUE.
Today I was looking, mighty miserable at the pub, and the Scottish chef said,
"What is the look? Have a sausage. Here. It's good, it's Scottish."
and the sausage never tasted better.
 
It sucks to be in a state like this, yet it's GREAT to know that people do care about you however miniscule the care was.
 
The sausage kind of made my morning. I was serving a large glass of sauvignon blanc to this, very hetero looking guy, who was sitting with, again, very hetero looking guy who only drunk G+T. We had some nice chat about Marlborough sauvignon blanc, before he settled his bill and pulled out this odd looking card. He knew his sav bla.
 
"Is Amex alright?"
He said, and of course it was, it's Ascot for crying out loud.
 
Why is this card so HEAVY???
 
Then, only then, I realized that it was THE Amex Black. The titanium one.
 
OMG. He pays 1,800 quid a year to have that card!! Grab him!!
 
I thought Amex Black was an urban myth, I really did. That made my afternoon. Some people.
 
And in the evening I enjoyed my favourite pinot noir.
 
Life is good. I am getting better. I hate you. I love you. Eat your passion to live, it's the only way.

Thursday 3 September 2009

Whatever You Believe

I think certain things that people say are total BS. I am in a place where I would do just about anything to get out of. I am deeply down and see no light anywhere. And people tell me things, you know.
 
Get on with your life, they say; How? I can barely move. All I can manage is breath in and out. Haven't even been eating for weeks.
 
Get some exercise, it is scientifically proven to reduce your depression; Really? Exercising always made me semi suicidal. I just think too much during. How would that help?
 
Get back on the saddle; Um, no thanks. That just leads to even more heart ache.
 
Go out. Do stuff; I am too afraid to leave the house. I just don't want to bump into anyone!!
 
Really. It hurts too much to even try any of these. I wish I did drugs and went on binge sex, that seem like easier and quicker solution. Yet I never will do do.
 
Ask me again later.
 
I am sure you know where to find me. Kill my soul.