...Who Want to Control My Life
When I was in my course, everyone got this infectious fantasy about working on cruise ships. Some guest speaker came to give us a talk one day and said that it is a great way to kick start a career in journalism / photography. Some of us started to talk about it fanatically, and many of us set our hearts on doing that after leaving college.
I don't like travelling. I am not people person. I hate journalism. I don't do ship. It wasn't for me and I have dogs.
When I got myself in the situation I am in now, I naturally started looking for a job so we can live happily ever after, and found myself completely lost for sense of direction. I still wanted to do photo stuff but there was no job I could afford to do.
What was left was a job on a cruise ship. It made me laugh, since my ex mates had to give up their cruising fantasy because;
1. there was no such job as cruise ship photographer.
2. they were too tied down to leave because of boyfriends and girlfriends.
3. they didn't have talent nor guts to do it.
The cruise job was OK paying (not brill, but OK) and shift was only for 2-3 months, and DID involve photo-shit. I had to be interested.
My parents thought it was a fantastic job and I should take it, and my current nightmare thought there is nothing better than me leaving ground and disappear for 3 months at a time. They went on quite a bit on how great idea this all was. They all promised that they will take care of the dogs and the house. They fucking promised to run my ground life while I am gone.
I somehow knew that it wouldn't work. I just did. My folks are responsible people and my dogs are healthy, they wouldn't forget me, but I just knew that "people" could not run my life while I am absent. And they didn't / couldn't.
Funny thing was, they never even mentioned, not once, that if I would be great to do that job. It was as if the job was their fantasy and I was there to serve them to bring this dream scenario into their reality, in remotely touchable way.
I really need to find what I want to do. I know now, more than ever, that other people can't possibly know what I should do for living. Especially when I don't know fuck all what I desire.
