I don't get to like people much. Not because I dislike so many people, but because I feel sorry everytime I find myself being fond of someone. How he or she must feel if he or she finds out that I even remotely like him or her? I can't stand the nauseating idea of making someone sick from learning my favourable feelings towards that person. Also it is very rare that I find anybody who has reasons for me to like him or her.
But am only talking about instantaneous feelings here. Like these good fucking sparks you get when you first see someone. Some may call them lust, some may call them love at first sight; I call them my instant judgement giving a nudge to my heart to jump.
They don't happen to me much. I am never out on looking for shag or fling or love, ever, and I don't even know what am I supposed to do when I see someone and my heart jumps. So I just freeze. Next thing I do is to stare. I know it's creepy and more disturbing than me confessing undying whatever to anyone, but it's automatic thing. I just want to look at someone who made my heart GO. Still, I never find out, though, what is the thing about this person, or why my heart's racing. What do I want from this person? Do I even like this one?
Don't suppose my heart's reactions are lust or love, not necessarily anyway. For instance, that jumping sporadically happens with non-humans, and I don't want to do little fury animals. I don't trust my heart anyway, though. I am a kind of person who needs someone else's approval to finally admit that I like someone. Let's say I knew 7 little dwarfs, and I probably said I liked them to their face which made them run away from me, but in my own tiny brain I knew I only really liked just 1 of them, or maybe not even that many. It's that heavy decision to make. (After all, once I admit to liking someone I will likely to like that person for rest of my life.)
Not saying that you should always go for the first impressions and instincts, nor that you only love once, but how the hell do you suppose to date 100 people one after another, and tell them you love him/her each time, that you never felt like that before and that is the true love, and swear to heaven that you mean it? I'd rather hating the whole goddamn world than bothering them nice people.
