It Sucks to be Single

"A table for 1 please."

I said so to this little guy. He, who was barely 5' tall, in return pulled this face, which he has pulled a couple hundred times on daily basis it now has become the second nature to him, said to me,

"Oh, I am afraid it will be at least 15 min wait."

 

Not only it was so sad to dine out on Friday night on your own, but also you had to have the fact you are Solo Absolut rubbed in all over your face by the corporate franchise restaurants who don't supply small tables for singletons.

 

"You are welcome to sit at the bar if you like?"

 

I glanced down my watch, and sighed quietly. If I waited for 15 minutes, the happy hour will be well over. I wouldn't dare say that to the little man. Today's the day I learn that you need to be more than 1 to have privileges to the happy hour.

 

"Yeah, that's fine. I am starving and I need to eat."

which was actually true. I have been so frail for over a week now, feeling uncontrollably unwell, I needed a sturdy meat dish for the Friday night so I could go on the weekend of non-stop working.

 

The only place available at the bar was the far end corner where all you can smell was the air freshener from the bathroom. I am not sure which is worse to have around food and drink; smell of urinals, or the toilet ducks.

 

I had my meal, with a pint of shandy, and went home. The meal was OK, and it was a nice, calm evening for a change, and I was in a mood for a good film while finishing half empty bottle of an Australian merlot. Then the door bell rang. It's only 10.30pm, who could that be? I only have a coked up skunk who likes to bother me at 3am, but not before midnight.

 

But it was.

 

It sucks to be single. Everyone thinks it's OK to put me in the smelly corner to dine, and it's acceptable to ask for free milk out of me when I really, really need to sleep so I can make a living. ....He was so out of it I couldn't even tell him that I am in love with him. So I just threw him out instead. He came back though. I had to slam the door couple of times in his face.

 

It sucks to be single, and, yes, I love it so much I will never give it up. All the freedom, discount in commiseration, free violence, full of drama and not a care in the world. You know, all that jazz.

A Random Night in N1 0AX

"And I got a girl friend at the minute,"
so he says. Well, I wasn't asking. I am not here to beg you to take me back, and I am not here to ask you why you asked me to email you and never returned any of them when I did. I am not here to ask you why you have ended things with me, and I am really not interested what you are up to. I am only here to hear you sing.

He was so bloody nice about it. If a guy says a hi to an old flame and be that nice, then I have to say that is a gift. I guess that is exactly why none of his hundreds of exes ever killed him. That is an applause worthy talent.

And by telling me about his new flame, he was cleverly manoeuvring me out of the way, without complicating the otherwise stressful situation. Fine, I get it. I am cool with that.

I didn't really want to talk to him. I mean, what am I suppose to say? It is nice to see you again, when it really isn't? (Who would want to see exes doing well and being happy? I'm not saying that I'd rather see them bleeding from heart while spelling my name out on the wall with the blood from the gash. But I'd rather stay away from the well functioning exes.) I wanted to stay anonymous in the crowd and not being spotted, but, jeeves, that pub was SO empty.

I was trying to hide in the non-existing crowd, and I have realized that I have been there before, in my dream. I even remembered that I knew his girl friend's name. ("Carmen? What sort of name is that?" is what I was thinking in my dream.) If I was there in my dream, then I guess that was a pre-programmed cosmic fuck up that I chose to endure.

As soon as he started talking to me, all I could remember was how nice it was to spend the time with him, even though I always knew how insincere he really was / is. Again, if a guy can do that, then that's a talent. I rather have him acted all freaked out and dismissive than having being all friendly and proper, but, oh no, he wouldn't let that happen for me.

(Some guy who was giving me eyes all that night passed me by, saying good night, then asked accusingly,

"Are you with that guy?"

OK, you are either psycho, or psychic. And the answer is, no, never.)

He then sang. His songs are still great. He sounded amazing for a live performer, but he did not sound as good as I thought he would be. I was singing along as I knew most of his songs by heart. Beautiful lyrics, nice tune to sing out. Everyone around me was quiet because his voice was powerful and clear, and, of course, none of them ever heard of his songs before. Then I saw the girl. She was standing right by the stage, singing along. She knew all the lyrics, and her lips were synching with mine. Oh, your new girl friend is VERY pretty. You are fucking idiot for thinking of even dumping this gorgeous little girl, (and telling me about it.) She is so in love with you. Her eyes, full of adulation, like mine were once back then, and I was thinking how glad I was that it was all over, and that I have never gotten around to where she is.

O, Crying Out Loud

What sort of a deranged mind would think it is OK to buzz the door bell about 150 times at 4 O'Clock in the morning and start sweet talking that how much you missed me?? I AM WORKING 7 DAYS A WEEK, I AM WORKING CLOSE TO 70 HOURS A WEEK, I AM WORKING IN 6 HRS!!! You have gone absolute bonkers, and this is, what, 4th time??? Get the fucking message across, you are not welcomed here, not now, not ever, never once!!!! You earn 100 grand a year, spending half of it all on properties and coke, so why don't you spend the rest on some hookers from Oxford Road??? I would rather sleep with Jeff Dahmer than having you in my place!!!!

 

Next time I will tell you that I am in love with you and that I want your baby. That should teach you a lesson. If not then I don't know what. Yeah, I will tell you that. I am in love with you for past 5 years. Take that and get drowned in agony, psycho.

3 Years On

I was not going to let it bother me, and I actually had to look at the calendar numerous times before I actually knew it was today, that was how much I was not bothered by today.

And this bitch in a black BMW fucking honked at me at the Sunbury at 9.15, for blocking her way because she decided to sway between lanes. How dear you, you fucking so-and-so,

and the next minutes I've completely lost it. The whole day went out the window.

I could not say a word till 12.14, too scared to burst into a full explosion, instead I squeezed out this pathetic paper thin smiles here and there, while inside I was boiling and freezing, tears and blood splashing out simultaneously from my nerves. And everyone at the office was very much aware of all of this and did not say a sentence to me. Clever cowards.

By 17.25, one of my colleagues accidentally forgot how bad the place I was at and decided to insult my intelligence by not telling me the obvious but by changing her tone of voice while saying,
"I cannot possibly get you."
and I've snapped. I heard it in my head. Then I actually was yelling like a woman at this one.

By 18.45, while pushing a trolley in ASDA, getting 2 tabs of Haagen-dazs for 4 quid I buried my head in a mountain of crisps, nearly pushing the trolley into a woman with a handheld basket.

 

By 19.10 I was pumping gas and sniffling, and by 19.20 I saw a lovely couple happily laughing and started crying.

 

It is not about you. You don't bother me any more even though you have clearly ruined my life and my ability to function for next decade or so. You don't bother me because I know you will rot in hell, and that day is not so far from you. It is more about the past and the future the day represents. This is the only day I hold regret in my heart. You don't deserve that much grief from me, you fucking shit.

 

By 20.09 I was totally OK. The day is almost over. I only had 2 scoops of Haagen-dazs.

 

I just want to go.

You are THE Leg, Cyd

R.I.P. Cyd Charisse, you are my eternal godess, my idle, my love, my air and my tears. You have taken my breath away god knows how many times, you are beyond genius, and you are the best, always have been and always will be. You were the muse of so many, many great films, and you are the history, my life did not become what it is without you.

Oh Cyd, you were just too good to be true, like an absolute beauty dropped from heaven, and you are now taken away from us. I sincerely do hope you had a happy life, and that you are resting in peace. I love you, and thank you, Cyd.

Soul Train

Listening to this album for 2 months solid. It is a great piece of work by Mr. Rabbit himself.

Letting my hands being dirty, leaving a TV on

Drifting into a shallow sleep

There are plenty of days I say nawt to no one

No big deal that is

 

The nightly darkness is deathly deep

I am at a loss, don't know what to do

 

No breaking news, no nothing,

So walking down the hill from her room to the station

In that fancy suites, she don't look bad at all

I know we have tiffs here and there, but

It is just too long a wait for me to see where we are heading to

 

How boring the world is that I'm in

While leaning on you on and on

My heart is still chilled and not firing up

And the sun sets yet again

Over that railway, dragging my hopes with it

 

In a little town there is always someone coming and going

Where is the text book to tell me

What the hell I can do now

 

Met someone new, she says, turning her back to me in the bed

All I can hear is that train going without anyone on it

 

How nonsense the world is that I've made into
While ruining you and turning you into this

My only, dying soul

Is struggling to get out for a change of the scenery

Melting into a mass of red then flowing into somewhere

Somewhere to start anew, perhaps,

Somewhere, maybe the edge of the world, the absolute end

 

No one is a saviour

No god can save this, 'cause

 

My soul only listens to me, and

Your soul only listens to you

 

Nobody's word can reach it

Nobody's

Nobody's

Soul Train - K. Inaba

Miracles to Go On

Ohh my god, this is just too good to be true, my life was far from dust, was in the vicinity of perfection anyway (thanks to my beautiful tuna,) yet somehow is taking a turn and now may be it's gonna be the "Greatest" British Duck Race day.

 

http://www.thegreatbritishduckrace.co.uk/

 

I have missed this last year, I was 3 miles away from it, working, oblivious to it all, how could I.

 

As they have never announced it to be an annual thing, I was gutted to miss this event of the lifetime.

 

Now it is back. I am going. I am NOT working. I will be THERE. It will be HEAVEN.